Trust

Defined as: "assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something."

 

I have spent a lot of time thinking about trust lately. Not really about trusting other people, but about how it relates to our relationship with God. More specifically, how we continue to trust Him when our plans are thwarted.

 

I had meticulously planned out the next year (or so) of our lives. We would finish our house, sell it, move, get settled, and then have another baby. It would be great! I would be able to keep working at my rapid pace to get things finished and move one thousand miles back to Indiana, my home, with our two precious babes in tow. I knew I could do it. I have dreamed about it for so long, I just had to do it.

 

This plan. This brilliant, perfect plan is all I have thought about, all that has kept me going... especially since the attempted break-in eight months ago.

 

The truth is, I have felt hostage here because of our humongous project house. I have spent the last three and a half years pouring over paint swatches, stain colors, design ideas, light fixtures, curtain colors, and countertops. I have torn down wallpaper, and cabinets, and painted every single room in our 3400 sq. ft. house. I have ripped up nasty old carpet, rearranged rooms to maximize space, figured out where to build walls, what to tear down, and how to work with what we have.

 

Oh, and somehow I managed to have two babies in there too...

 

Basically, I feel like I have put my entire life on hold for the sake of finishing our house. And I feel that our family has been waiting... waiting for the day when we no longer have this house. I have been longing for the moment when the To-Do list isn't running through my head every minute of every day. I've been yearning for the time when I can just be a wife and a mother.

 

Over the last eight months, this feeling has only gotten stronger. I felt like God was telling me, showing me in different ways, that I had to do this. I had to do everything I could to get us out of this situation.

 

"Trust wholeheartedly in Yahweh, put no faith in your own perception;
acknowledge him in every course you take, and he will see that your paths are smooth."

-Proverbs 3:5-6

 

And then, at the beginning of February, I got a positive pregnancy test.

 

I was terrified. It was really hard for me to accept this time. I was angry with our NFP system. I was upset with my hubby. I was upset with myself that I was so mad about this baby. But mostly, I was angry that God would have allowed this to happen, given the fact that I was already not coping well with my stress load.

 

It's taken me 9 weeks to process all of this, to figure it out. And, it boils down to this: I was searching for control of my life in a way that didn't leave room for God.

 

This pregnancy has nothing to do with using our NFP system incorrectly. It has everything to do with the fact that God was trying to show me that our plans are futile. That is, our plans are useless if they don't leave room for Him.

 

This is what brings me back to trust. I believe that the basic foundation of our lives as Christians must be trust. We have to fully believe that God will take care of us in every aspect of our lives - including our family planning. To me, it is impossible to really trust Him if we hold anything back. We're either all in, or we're keeping some of our cards under the table. There is no gray area. We can't sit on the fence.

 

I'm talking about the disposition of our hearts, about whether we are open to God's ultimate plan for us, or whether we shut that down before He can even reveal it.

 

In our case, I believe that I had gotten so focused on finishing our house, I'd begun to ignore my true vocation of being a wife and mother. I kept putting off my own needs, and the needs of my kids, in a misguided effort to make things better. I had no balance in my life.

 

This pregnancy has reminded me of that. It's forced me to sit down and play with my kids for a while, instead of trying to fit in as much work as I possibly can every single day.

 

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. You trust in God, trust also in me."

-John 14:1

 

Needless to say, even though I am at peace about this pregnancy, I am still very anxious about our house. But, after my latest house-related meltdown (and, the answer is yes, I do have to clarify what type of meltdown it was... :D) we revised our ultimate plan even further.

 

We will be putting it up for sale in about two and a half weeks! (Eeeeek!!) We already signed the contract with our realtor. We just need to finish up some small-ish projects inside, and stage it for pictures. Then, pray REALLY hard that it sells quickly. Pray with us, please?

 

I really cannot wait. I can already smell the sweet aroma of freedom. We're so close now.

Terror

How do you stop the cycle of terror? Keep it at bay? Conquer it? Is that even possible?

In a world so full of evil, I feel like I'm always trading one fear or worry for another.

It all stems from the attempted break-in at our house at the end of August, 2012, and has been compounded by the never-ending stream of "odd" things that have happened since then.

Like, a few weeks ago (probably closer to a month), I came home and saw that the big, heavy bench had been moved 5 or 6 feet over to the very edge of the front porch. Although it would have been hard, someone could have used it to get onto our roof. It also appeared that one of the screens on an upstairs window had been tampered with.

Panic. Fear. Anger.

Fight or flight? I just want to leave and never step foot inside that house again.

And, just a few days before that, when Michael was on days off, there were two different nights when we <b>both</b> heard a series of loud thuds or bangs coming from in or right outside the house. I don't even know how to describe the noises really. All I can say is that it brought all of those feelings of terror, helplessness, despair, sheer panic, RIGHT back to the surface. I had multiple panic attacks that week.

Michael tells me I'm cynical; I believe that I'm a realist. I try to see all possibilities as clearly as I can. I want to measure my options, lay them out all nice, clean and pretty on a white sheet, and logically pick what makes the most sense.

But, in this case, I can't do that. The fact is, the last seven months has changed me. It's taken a toll on me - physically, mentally, emotionally. I am no longer the same person that I was and, currently, I am not the mother that I want to be. My kids are stressed. And, I'm a mess.

I pray every day for peace. I pray every day for God to give us a sign, to point us in the direction we are supposed to go. But, for the last seven months, all I have gotten back is more chaos, more strange or bad things happening, more stress.

I've been wondering lately if these things keep happening because this <b>is</b> God's sign, or warning really. Or, if I'm now just completely paranoid.
How do you know?

Gratefulness

I want them to learn to be grateful for what they have. 

 

 I have learned, in whatever situation I find myself, to be self-sufficient. I know indeed how to live in humble circumstances; I know also how to live with abundance. In every circumstance and in all things I have learned the secret of being well fed and of going hungry, of living in abundance and of being in need.
-Phillipians 4:11-12

I have been thinking a lot about what makes us happy. Actually, I have spent a lot of time thinking about how what we say and do, what we spend our time thinking about, affects our own happiness.

My husband is very much a child at heart. He does not spend any more time than necessary -- read: than I make him -- on things that upset him. He is one of those people that really, truly can just let it go. It's like his sorrows come to him as little blue birds, and after he's done thinking about it (generally, this process takes about 5 minutes), he just sets the bird free and it flies away.

Now, I am guilty of being a generally miserable person. My sorrows come to me as anchors that hold me down in one spot until I decide to cut the chain. There is no peaceful "letting go." It's always a forceful eviction. I am incapable of not thinking about something that upsets me. I feel a sense of urgency to solve the problem, and until I've solved it, I won't stop.

Because we are so different in this respect, I have started thinking about the different influences we will have on our kiddos. And, I have realized that I want to be more like him -- both his attitude and his advice helps me cut the chains that hold me back.

He believes in me, and that helps me to believe in myself.
He wants to make me happy, and that makes me want to be happy.
He interacts with Bear and Bud so differently than I do. He truly enjoys most of the moments with them, while I typically just try to get through each minute of the day. When I see him interact with the kids, that more than anything, makes me want to be a happier person.

In his Letter to the Phillipians, Paul tells us to learn to be content in all situations, both in plenty and in want. We are not supposed to compare our current situation to the past, or covet the things we had before. Because in all cases, God has a plan for us. He has not forgotten about us. He does not punish us needlessly. Rather, we are supposed to always be learning to trust more completely in Him.

Being grateful and content with where we are at in this moment is probably the hardest thing for me. I'm a worrier, and a planner. It isn't easy for me to just accept everything as is. But, I know that in my own struggle for happiness, this is what God wants me to learn right now:

Be happy in the small moments. Like swimming in the kiddie pool with Bear, or teaching Bud to rollover. I need to learn to let those moments fill my heart, instead of trying to hurry through them to get on to the next task.

So, how do you define happiness?

A Few Things

I have learned while living in the South...

1. God, Family, Friends. Always.

2. Be grateful for everything, like the rain, the sunsets, the food on your table, and especially the things you wouldn't miss until they weren't there at all. Trust that God will provide you with the necessities.

3. Everything is better fried. Everything is better with beer.

4. People are willing to help if you give them a chance.

5. No one knows how to drive. Especially in bad weather.

6. Never apologize for who you are.

7. Believe in yourself; no one else will if you don't.

8. We are all human; no one is perfect.

9. Take advantage of every new experience, every new adventure.

10. It's okay to be silent sometimes.

11. There are still good, hard-working people out there.

12. Everyone struggles at some point or another.

13. Learn to see the beauty in everything because it was all created by God.

14. Love is the most powerful force on this planet.

15. Learn to be content in nothingness; then you will always be content.