How do you stop the cycle of terror? Keep it at bay? Conquer it? Is that even possible?
In a world so full of evil, I feel like I'm always trading one fear or worry for another.
It all stems from the attempted break-in at our house at the end of August, 2012, and has been compounded by the never-ending stream of "odd" things that have happened since then.
Like, a few weeks ago (probably closer to a month), I came home and saw that the big, heavy bench had been moved 5 or 6 feet over to the very edge of the front porch. Although it would have been hard, someone could have used it to get onto our roof. It also appeared that one of the screens on an upstairs window had been tampered with.
Panic. Fear. Anger.
Fight or flight? I just want to leave and never step foot inside that house again.
And, just a few days before that, when Michael was on days off, there were two different nights when we <b>both</b> heard a series of loud thuds or bangs coming from in or right outside the house. I don't even know how to describe the noises really. All I can say is that it brought all of those feelings of terror, helplessness, despair, sheer panic, RIGHT back to the surface. I had multiple panic attacks that week.
Michael tells me I'm cynical; I believe that I'm a realist. I try to see all possibilities as clearly as I can. I want to measure my options, lay them out all nice, clean and pretty on a white sheet, and logically pick what makes the most sense.
But, in this case, I can't do that. The fact is, the last seven months has changed me. It's taken a toll on me - physically, mentally, emotionally. I am no longer the same person that I was and, currently, I am not the mother that I want to be. My kids are stressed. And, I'm a mess.
I pray every day for peace. I pray every day for God to give us a sign, to point us in the direction we are supposed to go. But, for the last seven months, all I have gotten back is more chaos, more strange or bad things happening, more stress.
I've been wondering lately if these things keep happening because this <b>is</b> God's sign, or warning really. Or, if I'm now just completely paranoid.
How do you know?