March 31, 2013

Trust

Defined as: "assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something."
 
I have spent a lot of time thinking about trust lately. Not really about trusting other people, but about how it relates to our relationship with God. More specifically, how we continue to trust Him when our plans are thwarted.
 
I had meticulously planned out the next year (or so) of our lives. We would finish our house, sell it, move, get settled, and then have another baby. It would be great! I would be able to keep working at my rapid pace to get things finished and move one thousand miles back to Indiana, my home, with our two precious babes in tow. I knew I could do it. I have dreamed about it for so long, I just had to do it.
 
This plan. This brilliant, perfect plan is all I have thought about, all that has kept me going... especially since the attempted break-in eight months ago.
 
The truth is, I have felt hostage here because of our humongous project house. I have spent the last three and a half years pouring over paint swatches, stain colors, design ideas, light fixtures, curtain colors, and countertops. I have torn down wallpaper, and cabinets, and painted every single room in our 3400 sq. ft. house. I have ripped up nasty old carpet, rearranged rooms to maximize space, figured out where to build walls, what to tear down, and how to work with what we have.
 
Oh, and somehow I managed to have two babies in there too...
 
Basically, I feel like I have put my entire life on hold for the sake of finishing our house. And I feel that our family has been waiting... waiting for the day when we no longer have this house. I have been longing for the moment when the To-Do list isn't running through my head every minute of every day. I've been yearning for the time when I can just be a wife and a mother.
 
Over the last eight months, this feeling has only gotten stronger. I felt like God was telling me, showing me in different ways, that I had to do this. I had to do everything I could to get us out of this situation.
 
"Trust wholeheartedly in Yahweh, put no faith in your own perception;
acknowledge him in every course you take, and he will see that your paths are smooth."
-Proverbs 3:5-6
 
And then, at the beginning of February, I got a positive pregnancy test.
 
I was terrified. It was really hard for me to accept this time. I was angry with our NFP system. I was upset with my hubby. I was upset with myself that I was so mad about this baby. But mostly, I was angry that God would have allowed this to happen, given the fact that I was already not coping well with my stress load.
 
It's taken me 9 weeks to process all of this, to figure it out. And, it boils down to this: I was searching for control of my life in a way that didn't leave room for God.
 
This pregnancy has nothing to do with using our NFP system incorrectly. It has everything to do with the fact that God was trying to show me that our plans are futile. That is, our plans are useless if they don't leave room for Him.
 
This is what brings me back to trust. I believe that the basic foundation of our lives as Christians must be trust. We have to fully believe that God will take care of us in every aspect of our lives - including our family planning. To me, it is impossible to really trust Him if we hold anything back. We're either all in, or we're keeping some of our cards under the table. There is no gray area. We can't sit on the fence.
 
I'm talking about the disposition of our hearts, about whether we are open to God's ultimate plan for us, or whether we shut that down before He can even reveal it.
 
In our case, I believe that I had gotten so focused on finishing our house, I'd begun to ignore my true vocation of being a wife and mother. I kept putting off my own needs, and the needs of my kids, in a misguided effort to make things better. I had no balance in my life.
 
This pregnancy has reminded me of that. It's forced me to sit down and play with my kids for a while, instead of trying to fit in as much work as I possibly can every single day.
 
"Do not let your hearts be troubled. You trust in God, trust also in me."
-John 14:1
 
Needless to say, even though I am at peace about this pregnancy, I am still very anxious about our house. But, after my latest house-related meltdown (and, the answer is yes, I do have to clarify what type of meltdown it was... :D) we revised our ultimate plan even further.
 
We will be putting it up for sale in about two and a half weeks! (Eeeeek!!) We already signed the contract with our realtor. We just need to finish up some small-ish projects inside, and stage it for pictures. Then, pray REALLY hard that it sells quickly. Pray with us, please?
 
I really cannot wait. I can already smell the sweet aroma of freedom. We're so close now.

2 comments:

Cailin Valente said...

This is great! Patrick and I just had a conversation last night about how we need to trust God more and not plan out our lives so much! I will pray that your house sells quickly. Because, the sooner it sells, the sooner you will be moving back here!!! It will definitely be nice to have friends closer that have the same beliefs and morals. Makes life a lot nicer to be surrounded by others that understand the Faith in the same way!

JessamynGrace said...

Thank you! It's a hard lesson to learn, and to really put into practice. It's so easy to forget, or to just simply become confused about what God is showing us. Sometimes, I guess we just need a little slap on the back to bring us back to reality, to our vocation.

I know! I can't wait either. It is so nice when we have the support we need to walk this journey faithfully. I'm so excited!