The Concept of Dead

"Mama, look! A lady bug!" Chloe comes running toward me, stroking the orange colored bug.

"Go put it outside." I'm only half paying attention because I'm eating breakfast and reading a health news article. 

"But I can't! It's dead!"

Great, I think. "Well, put it in the garbage then." Logical? I think so. 

"No, I think I'll put him outside so he can get better."

I don't think she understands the concept of dead. 

Maybe this is why all my attempts to explain why certain things are very dangerous - e.g. keeping her car seat buckles buckled while we're in the car, or why she can't lean on her window screens - ultimately fail.

Halfway There!

20 WEEKS! (As of last Sunday...)

I can hardly believe we're already halfway through this pregnancy. Other times, I look back over the last 5 months and wonder how it has only been 5 months. It's a funny thing, this concept of time. But, I digress...

This new little lady is an active one these days. I'm already feeling her moving around about 5 times a day. Of course, I don't know what I would expect since I first felt her moving at about 8 weeks... And, of course, she is her father's daughter. Those Herbert genes are strong little boogers. 

Chloe is so excited for her "big" sister. (No matter how many times I try to explain that SHE is the big sister, she still says it this way). She bangs on my belly to say hello, and puts her ear up close to my belly button to try to hear her. Sometimes, she tells me that the baby is crying. 

Logan doesn't really act all that interested yet. He usually just follows whatever Chloe is doing. I know he'll be great once she's born. He thinks he is Mister Independent :)

I'm at peace about whatever God is bringing our way with our littlest girl. I've talked to numerous friends that have had similar findings on their ultrasounds, and delivered perfectly healthy little babies. I can't say I'm not worrying. But, I'm not scared anymore; it isn't consuming me. 

Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7

Quotes

A man who gives his children habits of industry provides for them better than by giving them fortune.

- Richard Whately

Terror

How do you stop the cycle of terror? Keep it at bay? Conquer it? Is that even possible?

In a world so full of evil, I feel like I'm always trading one fear or worry for another.

It all stems from the attempted break-in at our house at the end of August, 2012, and has been compounded by the never-ending stream of "odd" things that have happened since then.

Like, a few weeks ago (probably closer to a month), I came home and saw that the big, heavy bench had been moved 5 or 6 feet over to the very edge of the front porch. Although it would have been hard, someone could have used it to get onto our roof. It also appeared that one of the screens on an upstairs window had been tampered with.

Panic. Fear. Anger.

Fight or flight? I just want to leave and never step foot inside that house again.

And, just a few days before that, when Michael was on days off, there were two different nights when we <b>both</b> heard a series of loud thuds or bangs coming from in or right outside the house. I don't even know how to describe the noises really. All I can say is that it brought all of those feelings of terror, helplessness, despair, sheer panic, RIGHT back to the surface. I had multiple panic attacks that week.

Michael tells me I'm cynical; I believe that I'm a realist. I try to see all possibilities as clearly as I can. I want to measure my options, lay them out all nice, clean and pretty on a white sheet, and logically pick what makes the most sense.

But, in this case, I can't do that. The fact is, the last seven months has changed me. It's taken a toll on me - physically, mentally, emotionally. I am no longer the same person that I was and, currently, I am not the mother that I want to be. My kids are stressed. And, I'm a mess.

I pray every day for peace. I pray every day for God to give us a sign, to point us in the direction we are supposed to go. But, for the last seven months, all I have gotten back is more chaos, more strange or bad things happening, more stress.

I've been wondering lately if these things keep happening because this <b>is</b> God's sign, or warning really. Or, if I'm now just completely paranoid.
How do you know?

Cloth Diapers

So, in case you didn't know, we switched to cloth diapers last month. After spending a few weeks researching online and borrowing a few different styles from a friend, I finally decided on going with bumGenius Elemental diapers.

I must say, I absolutely love them. Here are some of my reasons:

1. I haven't had to run out at 10:30pm to buy diapers that I forgot to get earlier in the day.

2. Because they are a One-Size diaper, I can use the same diaper for Logan or Chloe by simply adjusting the snaps. Super simple!

3. I don't have to lug my kids poopy diapers to the dumpster where I'm attacked by flies. (Major plus).

4. And, best of all, they come in so many fun colors and designs, I don't have to actually cloth my children in this ridiculous heat. Just put a diaper on and their off and running.

But, there is a downside. It's called poop.

I didn't get to wash the diapers last night because Logan took forever to fall asleep, so I started them this morning. Of course, within 30 minutes of starting the wash cycle, both children had big major poops. 

I'm fairly certain this load of diapers will have been rinsed and washed about 5 times by the time I actually put them in the dryer. I refuse to have two stinky poopy diapers festering at the bottom of the wet bag.

Also, see Amber Dusick's take on cloth diapering. I pretty much died laughing.

Oh, Chloe...

As Michael was getting ready to leave for work yesterday, he set a bunch of food out to take with him, including a full bag of tortillas.

Chloe decided to "help" him pack and started running around with them. We weren't really paying much attention because it was keeping her occupied.

Finally, he was ready to walk out the door and the tortillas were no where to be found. Of course we asked her where she put them, but she acted like she didn't know what we were talking about. After searching for 10 minutes, we finally found them in her play kitchen's oven. She wanted to make sure they were nice and crispy for Daddy!

I really think it was her little delay tactic. She knew he was getting ready to leave and didn't want him to go. (She wouldn't give him goodbye kisses either!)

Oh that girl. I don't know what I'm going to do with her most days.

Love Multiplies Joy

We all went for a walk tonight. And, for the first time ever (!), we used the double stroller. I'm not entirely sure why we haven't tried this before, honestly. Normally, I just put Logan in a sling and Chloe either rides in a stroller or walks.

Anyway, we barely got out the door before she had Logan doing big belly laughs. She was playing peekaboo and he was just loving it.

I SO wish I had my camera with me. We had a blast. And, the best part was getting a glimpse into their relationship with each other.

It was, by far, one of the best moments of Motherhood. So far.

Gratefulness

I want them to learn to be grateful for what they have. 

 

 I have learned, in whatever situation I find myself, to be self-sufficient. I know indeed how to live in humble circumstances; I know also how to live with abundance. In every circumstance and in all things I have learned the secret of being well fed and of going hungry, of living in abundance and of being in need.
-Phillipians 4:11-12

I have been thinking a lot about what makes us happy. Actually, I have spent a lot of time thinking about how what we say and do, what we spend our time thinking about, affects our own happiness.

My husband is very much a child at heart. He does not spend any more time than necessary -- read: than I make him -- on things that upset him. He is one of those people that really, truly can just let it go. It's like his sorrows come to him as little blue birds, and after he's done thinking about it (generally, this process takes about 5 minutes), he just sets the bird free and it flies away.

Now, I am guilty of being a generally miserable person. My sorrows come to me as anchors that hold me down in one spot until I decide to cut the chain. There is no peaceful "letting go." It's always a forceful eviction. I am incapable of not thinking about something that upsets me. I feel a sense of urgency to solve the problem, and until I've solved it, I won't stop.

Because we are so different in this respect, I have started thinking about the different influences we will have on our kiddos. And, I have realized that I want to be more like him -- both his attitude and his advice helps me cut the chains that hold me back.

He believes in me, and that helps me to believe in myself.
He wants to make me happy, and that makes me want to be happy.
He interacts with Bear and Bud so differently than I do. He truly enjoys most of the moments with them, while I typically just try to get through each minute of the day. When I see him interact with the kids, that more than anything, makes me want to be a happier person.

In his Letter to the Phillipians, Paul tells us to learn to be content in all situations, both in plenty and in want. We are not supposed to compare our current situation to the past, or covet the things we had before. Because in all cases, God has a plan for us. He has not forgotten about us. He does not punish us needlessly. Rather, we are supposed to always be learning to trust more completely in Him.

Being grateful and content with where we are at in this moment is probably the hardest thing for me. I'm a worrier, and a planner. It isn't easy for me to just accept everything as is. But, I know that in my own struggle for happiness, this is what God wants me to learn right now:

Be happy in the small moments. Like swimming in the kiddie pool with Bear, or teaching Bud to rollover. I need to learn to let those moments fill my heart, instead of trying to hurry through them to get on to the next task.

So, how do you define happiness?