Daddy's Shoes

Sometimes when Michael comes home, it seems like everything just falls into place. The missing link in our family is finally here. I have my soul mate, my teammate; the kids have their Daddy, their playmate. We're whole, no longer missing our central piece.

But other times, it's like a competition between him and I. It's a battle, not a smooth transition. We constantly step on each other's feet. We pick fights about anything and nothing at all.

It makes me really upset when our time together goes so poorly. I feel guilty because I want the kids to be happy and excited that Daddy is home. I want to see them playing together. I want to make memories. I want to fill my emotional cup til it overflows. I want to feel the love, not just say it (begrudgingly). Because, as soon as we get over ourselves and start working together instead of against each other, he leaves again. This cycle breaks my heart.

When he was about to leave recently, I tried to put myself in his shoes. I watched him as he was trying to pack his bags with his baby girl wrapped around his knees. I saw his eyes fill up when he picked her up and she wouldn't let go. I thought about him spending hours in the car driving to his jobs, staying in hotel rooms, watching his children grow up in pictures or on Skype. He has days on end to himself. He can go and do whatever he wants, whenever he wants. He knows a type of loneliness that I can only imagine.

Then I thought about how excited he must be when he finally gets to come home. And he walks in the door to a stressed-out wife that probably (definitely) expects too much and children that are happy about 60% of the time, the other 40% is spent crying, screaming or whining. He has to juggle his need for relaxation with our need to feel connected. And, that doesn't include the ever-growing list of house projects, or any of my bright (time-consuming) ideas.

When I thought about all of that, when I really tried to put myself in his shoes, my heart broke all over again. In that moment, more than anything, I prayed that we could approach every opportunity to spend time together with a little more grace, and a lot less pride.


I know that all of these things we go through as a family will make sense someday. I know that God is using this time to teach us some really big lessons. I just wish these lessons weren't so hard to learn.

 I wish it could be like this, all day, every day.

Oh, Chloe...

As Michael was getting ready to leave for work yesterday, he set a bunch of food out to take with him, including a full bag of tortillas.

Chloe decided to "help" him pack and started running around with them. We weren't really paying much attention because it was keeping her occupied.

Finally, he was ready to walk out the door and the tortillas were no where to be found. Of course we asked her where she put them, but she acted like she didn't know what we were talking about. After searching for 10 minutes, we finally found them in her play kitchen's oven. She wanted to make sure they were nice and crispy for Daddy!

I really think it was her little delay tactic. She knew he was getting ready to leave and didn't want him to go. (She wouldn't give him goodbye kisses either!)

Oh that girl. I don't know what I'm going to do with her most days.

Love Multiplies Joy

We all went for a walk tonight. And, for the first time ever (!), we used the double stroller. I'm not entirely sure why we haven't tried this before, honestly. Normally, I just put Logan in a sling and Chloe either rides in a stroller or walks.

Anyway, we barely got out the door before she had Logan doing big belly laughs. She was playing peekaboo and he was just loving it.

I SO wish I had my camera with me. We had a blast. And, the best part was getting a glimpse into their relationship with each other.

It was, by far, one of the best moments of Motherhood. So far.

Gratefulness

I want them to learn to be grateful for what they have. 

 

 I have learned, in whatever situation I find myself, to be self-sufficient. I know indeed how to live in humble circumstances; I know also how to live with abundance. In every circumstance and in all things I have learned the secret of being well fed and of going hungry, of living in abundance and of being in need.
-Phillipians 4:11-12

I have been thinking a lot about what makes us happy. Actually, I have spent a lot of time thinking about how what we say and do, what we spend our time thinking about, affects our own happiness.

My husband is very much a child at heart. He does not spend any more time than necessary -- read: than I make him -- on things that upset him. He is one of those people that really, truly can just let it go. It's like his sorrows come to him as little blue birds, and after he's done thinking about it (generally, this process takes about 5 minutes), he just sets the bird free and it flies away.

Now, I am guilty of being a generally miserable person. My sorrows come to me as anchors that hold me down in one spot until I decide to cut the chain. There is no peaceful "letting go." It's always a forceful eviction. I am incapable of not thinking about something that upsets me. I feel a sense of urgency to solve the problem, and until I've solved it, I won't stop.

Because we are so different in this respect, I have started thinking about the different influences we will have on our kiddos. And, I have realized that I want to be more like him -- both his attitude and his advice helps me cut the chains that hold me back.

He believes in me, and that helps me to believe in myself.
He wants to make me happy, and that makes me want to be happy.
He interacts with Bear and Bud so differently than I do. He truly enjoys most of the moments with them, while I typically just try to get through each minute of the day. When I see him interact with the kids, that more than anything, makes me want to be a happier person.

In his Letter to the Phillipians, Paul tells us to learn to be content in all situations, both in plenty and in want. We are not supposed to compare our current situation to the past, or covet the things we had before. Because in all cases, God has a plan for us. He has not forgotten about us. He does not punish us needlessly. Rather, we are supposed to always be learning to trust more completely in Him.

Being grateful and content with where we are at in this moment is probably the hardest thing for me. I'm a worrier, and a planner. It isn't easy for me to just accept everything as is. But, I know that in my own struggle for happiness, this is what God wants me to learn right now:

Be happy in the small moments. Like swimming in the kiddie pool with Bear, or teaching Bud to rollover. I need to learn to let those moments fill my heart, instead of trying to hurry through them to get on to the next task.

So, how do you define happiness?