And, in the midst of all of that, I still can't believe that I'm officially a college graduate, much less about to get married in (less than) a month. Everything starts kicking into high gear from this point forward. But, at least this is the good kind of stress... not the pull-your-hair-out/headache-backache-body-ache kind of stress.
I think yesterday was a real turning point for me (for several different reasons and on several different levels). I feel relieved, reassured and amazed. I have a clearer vision for what I want out of life, out of my relationships, and the type of person that I want to be.
I never will be able to explain my family history. Their history is sordid and messy. But, I have decided that their weirdness and the irreparable damage that they have caused stops with me, with my generation and my brothers and sisters. It's over. My brothers and sisters and I are going to be a close-knit group -- ALL of us, ALL the time, extended family INCLUDED. We will always be welcome at each other's homes. We will spend the holidays together. We will laugh with and bear each other's burdens. We will create a lifetime of memories together. We will do more than just sit around and watch TV. We will travel the world together. We will be more than just blood.
To most of you, this sounds ridiculous that I'm even spelling these things out. Family is family, right? That's just what you do. Weeeelllllllllllllllllll...... not exactly.
My nifty little computer dictionary/thesaurus defines family as:
1. a group consisting of parents and children living together in a household.
- a group of people related to one another by blood or marriage.
- the children of a person or couple.
- a person or people related to one and so to be treated with a special loyalty or intimacy.
(Although there were more... they really weren't applicable.)
The bold and italicized statement is what my immediate, nuclear family had.
The italicized (only) statements are how my extended family has viewed us.
The bold is what I want in addition to the first statement.
I want to feel that special loyalty and intimacy to my family. I long for meaningful relationships. And, I know that we'll have it.
I feel like I'm on the verge of something brilliant...