May 10, 2009

Three things I wish I had the guts to say...

1). I am stunned at your callousness. Do you understand the meaning of life-long friendship? Is that not what we pledged when we joined PBP? Did I mean anything to you, ever? What happened to my friend who took her faith seriously, that defined herself by it? What happened to the friend that did more than just drink and party? I just don't even know who you are anymore. I'm hurt and I'm disappointed. 

I really hope that you're not as much of a dumb ass and a spaz as you present yourself to be right now. I hope that you actually learned something about the world and about yourself throughout college, that all of that money wasn't a complete waste. I hope you become something more than just a trophy wife. And, I hope that you find fulfillment in meaningful pursuits. And, I wish that I actually had faith that you would pursue the good, the beautiful and the true. But, at this point, I don't really know anything about you.

And, you know what? I'm not going to try anymore either. In fact, even if you did contact me now, I'm not really sure how/if I would respond. So, cheers to ruining our friendship. Drink up, hunny.

2). I will forever consider myself a student of every discipline I pursue, whether it be my Masters, being a wife, being a mother, homemaking, cooking, religion, faith, etc. I am forever learning more about the world, about other people, about God and His Creation, and about myself through my endeavors. I hope that I never become like you. I hope that I never play God while holding other peoples lives in my hands. I hope that I'm always humble. 

I just wish you had retained the same attitude. I wish that, instead of ignoring BLATANT factual and relevant evidence, that you could/would continue to search until you found an explanation. I wish you could see the consequences of your carelessness and heartless "findings" on my family. I wish you were a fly on the wall.

But, even in this, I can only deal by shutting down emotionally. It hurts too much. 

So, instead, I refuse to bow down to your "Almighty" position, doctors. Instead, I can only hope and pray that God does not bring even one tenth of the suffering my family has endured to you. 

3). God, please help us.

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