Part Two: Pray, Hope, and Don't Worry

Part Two:

That was probably the scariest moment of my life. One I never really expected, or prepared myself for.

Michael was laid off on June 30th. But, he couldn't bring himself to tell me over the phone, obviously. So, when he got word that he needed to pack his bags and fly home for the last time, he expanded his job search to anything within a couple hours from where we lived.

An old friend from college had a job posting up on LinkedIn. It was for a Civil Engineer position in Elgin, Il. He contacted his friend, and met him for dinner when he flew back to town the night before he came home.

After I stopped crying, he told me about everything he had done during the last few days, and that he had an in-person interview with this company in Elgin the following Tuesday. I cried some more because I knew, if he was offered this job, and accepted it, we would have to move. It was too far for him to commute every day. And, that was the whole point.

When he started this job hunt, our main focus was getting him home every night, so we could be a regular family. Without moving to IL, he would barely be home because of the awful commute - averaging 5 hours round trip every day. We wouldn’t really be any better off than we were with him in the oil fields.

I was heartbroken. When we moved back to Indiana in 2013, I had this dream of settling down into a new, full life. We would be close to friends, and extended family. We could step back into a community that was already there, waiting for us to come back. I was so excited about starting this new chapter. When we bought our house, it felt as though all the pieces finally fell into place.

But, that feeling only lasted for so long because life with three kids, 3 years old and younger is just hard. There’s no way around it. It got harder for me every time Michael came home. I was always preparing for him to leave again. And so were the kids. Our family life was slowly deteriorating right before my eyes, and I didn't know how to fix it.

Over the next few weeks, I tried not to think about the past or the future. I did what I usually do, and I buried myself in the immediate. Regardless of what happened with the job in Elgin, we knew we absolutely had to sell our house. He had applied for enough jobs in our area that we knew we would no longer be able to afford it. So, we patched holes, repainted rooms, shined floors, deep cleaned and decluttered. It took about 3 weeks to get everything ready.

Honestly, I was relatively peaceful about this process. Mostly, I attribute this to all of my prayers. But, it was also a fulfillment of a desire, in some ways. About a year before all this happened, I began reading a few blogs about minimalism. I felt a tugging in my heart. I cleaned, and decluttered, and donated the things we didn't need or use anymore. This helped a little.

But, anyone with small children knows that stuff just accumulates in your house. You don’t know where it came from, or how it got there. It’s like little fairies just bring stuff into your house while you are asleep. It’s a constant process to stay on top of all the people and things coming in and going out your door.

A while later, Pope Francis came out with his encyclical, Laudato Si, and I felt this tugging again. We owned too much; too much house, too much yard, too much stuff. What did we really need? I had no idea. But, I just felt funny about where we were at in our lives. I continued doing my best to get rid of the small things. But, even with all my efforts, I couldn't change the big things because we had just bought our house in 2013. We were stuck.

Really, we were mostly just stubborn (and scared!). Losing his job kind of forced our hand in giving it all up. And, I was at peace with that. A house is only a house. We won't take it with us when we die.

After a lot of work, we got it listed in mid-July. We had a few showings that first weekend, and we received a solid offer that Monday. After some negotiations, we had a signed contract within 7 days. Thank you, Jesus and Mary!

Part One: Pray, Hope, and Don't Worry

It was a mundane summer morning late in June. Michael had been gone for work for 10 days. The kids had become more restless, more upset, more discontent. I was frazzled, at my wits end with everyone. It was the usual cycle, all over again.

That morning, Chloe had gotten in trouble for something; I don't remember what. I'd put her in her room for time out. But, as usual, she followed me into my bedroom, screaming and crying.

"I just miss Daddy!"

My ears were deaf. I'd heard this line of reasoning too many times to count.

"I only did _____, because I miss Daddy!"

I'm sure, to some degree, it was true. I knew that they really did miss Michael. But, this had become *the* excuse in our house for every naughty thing they did. I never knew how to react, whether to validate or ignore their obvious anger that Daddy left for long periods of time. There was nothing I could do about it, that was his job. Validating them only made their behavior worse. Ignoring them made them feel like I didn't care about their feelings. A lose-lose situation.

So, instead of doing nothing, I yelled right back at her.

"You know what Chloe, if you miss him so much, you better start praying he finds a new job!"

And she got down on her knees right there in front of my crucifix, and started sobbing out a prayer. I don't remember what she said because I had tuned her out. That was all I could do in that moment.

This was not the peace I asked for seven months earlier.

It was Christmas time, presents spilled out from underneath our tree. Soft white lights lit up the front of our home, reflecting off the piles of snow, giving it a warm, welcoming glow. It should have been a joyous season.

But, inside I was falling apart. I was angry with Michael's job because it required so much travel.  I was exhausted from managing our family while he was gone. I felt desperate and hopeless, like I was failing our three kids because I had absolutely nothing left to give to them. Nothing.

I was out of ideas for fun things to do with them. I was in survival mode on discipline; meaning, it was rarely effective. The kids were running me over day in and day out.

Around this time in December, a few friends said they were going to pray to Mary Undoer of Knots for varying reasons. I thought to myself "Sure! What the heck, I'll do it." I begged Mary to undo this knot, to either give me peace, or give him a new job because I honestly did not know how I was going to survive.

Within a week of praying that novena, I felt a sense of peace and my strength renewed. I accepted our life as it was more deeply than I had before. I wasn't fighting it. I focused on doing it, doing our life, to the best of my ability.

Then, the New Year came, along with a lot of instability in the oil market. By the middle of the first quarter, Michael's company had already laid off many people in his same position, and issued sweeping changes in how they did business to save money. It was nerve-wracking.

Michael started applying for other jobs around where we live. Months went by and he received hundreds of rejections. It broke my heart. He is so smart, and works so hard to provide for us. I could tell that his ego was taking a beating, and he was starting to get really worried. More people had been laid off from his company. More changes were being implemented. And we were helpless, stuck in a mortgage that was more than we could afford without his income from the oil fields.

He had a few phone interviews in April and May. But, I never felt like those jobs were a good fit for him. He didn't understand why I was hesitant. They were jobs, he'd be home more, we would be able to pay our bills (barely). I told him repeatedly, “I'm praying for perfect.” And I was praying, desperately, that God would hear me, hear us; that He would give us a way to make all of these pieces fit.

So, we carried on. Days melting into weeks, and months. Michael came home from his shift on July 2nd, just a few days after Chloe's heartfelt prayer. It had already been a long, trying day. The kids awoke at 4:30 in the morning. Chloe had escaped from our house and walked to the neighbor’s at 6:30 in the morning. I was full of anxiety and trying to figure out how I could keep them all safe when he left again. I made up my mind that we would install security key locks high on all the doors since she could now open deadbolts.

When he finally got home in the early afternoon, I was completely spent. I started telling him about the day, and my fears about how I was going to keep the kids all safe when he went back to work.

He listened to me cry, but I could tell something was off. When I finally got it all out, he sat down next to me. He said he was really sorry it had been such a horrible day. He understood my fears, and said "But I'll be here now, since they've given me no choice."

Resolutions

Is it really time for new resolutions again? Oh man. I didn't even tackle last year's resolutions (oops).

But, I figure that a new year brings a fresh slate with it. So, I'm forgetting all of the resolutions I made last year and moving forward.

This year, I'm setting my goals relatively low for two really big reasons:
1. I have a 2 year old and a 1 year old. Enough said.
2. Our house is still under major construction and probably will be for most of this year.

I can't feasibly expect that in the middle of this I'll be able to tackle a long list of resolutions.

So, with that said, here are my 3 goals for 2013:

1. Spend more time intentionally with the kiddos: do more crafts, cooking and baking, creating and playing. Cherish this time, really. And take a lot of pictures.

2. Finish the house and get it on the market by the end of this year. (Oh, that's a biggy.)

3. Cultivate a spirit of gratefulness using these Prayer and Blessings Jars. I will write at least 1 note per day for each jar.

And, that's it. That's all I think I can handle this year.

What are your resolutions?

Answer to Prayer

I'm still trying to process everything that's happened over the last two days. It's just amazing to me how fast everything can change, how our worlds can be turned upside-down when God answers our prayers.

We closed on our refinance on Tuesday. Not only were we able to cut our interest rate in half, but we were able to take enough out of the equity of the house to pay off some student loans and finish off the rest of our big project house. All without significantly raising our monthly mortgage payment.

And, as if that wasn't enough, Hubby received two job offers this week! One was Tuesday afternoon and the other was Wednesday morning. After some consideration, he accepted the second offer. The best part about this offer is definitely the fact that we will be able to move back to the Midwest!!

It makes me so unbelievably happy to think that we'll be able to raise our children there, where we both grew up (more so for me than Hubby).

We'll be back around our families and best friends.
We'll pick blueberries and strawberries in the spring and summer.
We'll pick apples and make leave piles in the fall.
We'll make snow angels and igloos in the winter.
We'll be able to experience the grandness of Chicago and the wonderful quiet of the lake.

We'll be able to share the experiences that shaped us most with them.
We'll fulfilled and happy.
I'm so unbelievably grateful.

"Alleluia! Give thanks to Yahweh for he is good, his faithful love lasts for ever."

-Psalm 107:1

Amen.