July 20, 2012

Rough Nights and Reflections

So.... the kids are sick. Of course. They are never sick when Hubby is here. Only when he's gone. Yay.

Days like today leave me feeling empty. I don't think I have anything left to give... and, the only thing I really want is 20 minutes completely to myself. I don't want to hold any babies, kiss any booboos, have my feet stepped on, watch one more Dora episode, hear one more tired cry, be a human jungle-gym, personal chef, or maid.

I just want time for me. Selfish, I know.

But, it was a tough night. We hadn't gotten out much during the day so Chloe had a lot of pent up energy. Her usual boundary-testing behavior was just out of control and I didn't have the patience (or humor) to try to deal with it. Capri Sun juice, kitchen utensils, food crumbs and toys were spread all over the kitchen, dining and living room floors. I had gotten angry and yelled, which only made both kids upset. Chloe was in time-out quite a few times, which only made her even more upset and rebellious. It was a rough, hard night. And, I could not wait til bedtime.

But, as I was nursing Logan for the bazillionth time and helping Chloe read some bedtime stories, I was suddenly extremely overwhelmed with this total feeling of love. (No, I don't think it was the oxytocin.)

It was watching my baby girl turning the pages of her books that we have read well over a thousand times, chiming in with the words she remembers as I read those stories to her.

It was the joy on my babies faces and hearing their hoarse little giggles as Chloe played peek-a-boo with Logan.

It was that moment after I put Chloe in her bed, and she hugged and kiss Logan and I as many times as I would let her.

It was watching her rest her forehead on his as she realized how exhausted she truly was.

It was seeing my little man finally give in to sleep after nursing and burping and laying on my chest.

It was knowing that I am their world. Sitting and laying and falling asleep with me lets them know that they are safe; they are loved. They are home. They know where they belong, where they feel good: right next to me.

I know that I am not a perfect person, let alone a perfect mother. But, despite all of my faults, I hope that my babies feel all of those things when they are with me... even if my heart isn't exactly "in it" all the time.

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