July 6, 2012

Complaints & Worries.

I'm just going to go ahead and apologize in advance for everything that follows.

I've been feeling very unstable lately. I'm not the type of girl that enjoys instability either.
I'm a type-A, to-do list lover, that has a penchant for creativity in every other aspect of my life except when it comes to The Schedule.

My "Schedule" revolves around meal times, naptimes and bed times. I try to have fun with the kids while they are content. And, I work on my little projects, or clean, or play stupid computer games, while they are otherwise preoccupied. We have a pretty good rhythm when it's just the 3 of us. Which, has been a lot over the last year. Hubby works in a field where he travels a lot. I can really only count on him being home every other weekend.

But, here's the rub...We'd be good if it were really 10 days on and 4 days off. The kids and I could have a consistent schedule. But, it never is.

Sometimes, he has office days (so he's home in the evenings.)
Other times, there aren't any jobs going ( so he's home all day).
Other times, the job he was scheduled for breaks (so he's home all day).
And, other times, I don't really know. He's just home all day.

THE Most Frustrating aspect of the job, by far, is that after we have a few weeks (or a month) where he is home a lot, something changes and he's back to being gone all the time again.
All of this inconsistency is really hard on the kids and I. After he's been home for more than a few days, I can see Chloe getting anxious. She starts acting out and gets really whiney. It's almost as though she knows he's going to be leaving again soon, so she is trying to soak up all of his love and attention while he's still here.

It literally breaks my heart.

And, it doesn't get better after he leaves either. It's like she's upset and mad that he left again. And, it takes her a few days to adjust to him not being around. But, as soon as she does, he comes home again. Ugh.

I hope that it's getting easier for her to understand. He tries to say goodbye to her before he leaves. And, whenever she asks for him, I remind her that Daddy's working, which she repeats in a whisper like I've just told her some grand secret.

At this point, Logan is still pretty oblivious to all of the this. But, whenever Michael does come home though, I can see his little wheels spinning like, "Hey, I remember you."
Even at 6 months though, I think Logan's aware that something is different between when he's home and when he's not. He will usually only let Michael burp him when he's here. And, he is usually a bit fussier too.

I do my best to give the kids all of the live and attention that I can. But, it's hard on all of us.

I know God is taking care of us. He is providing for all of our needs. I just hope He will give us the opportunity to get into a more normal situation... One where Michael works normal hours and is home every night.

That would be wonderful.

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