March 2, 2011

Today, today is a turning point...

I feel like God is really testing my patience right now. I'm not sure if I even care about passing the test; I just want to survive.

This morning, at about 7AM, my grandfather (my father's father) passed away from lung cancer. I'm not really sure how I should feel at this point in my adult life. The last time I spoke to my grandfather was in March, 2009; he kicked my mother, father, sister and I out of their house that day. That summer, I chose not to invite him, or any of my father's family to our wedding for various reasons.

And, no one has even attempted to fix things since then.

So, again, I'm not really sure what I should be feeling at this point. I'm not happy that he's gone. I am happy that it was a relatively quick death -- that it wasn't long and drug out. But, I don't feel a huge sense of loss, if that makes sense.

Does that make me a bad person? I don't know. Maybe I'll feel more some time down the road. But, right now, I guess I feel rather dead about the whole thing. And, I guess if that makes me a bad person, then I am.

I cannot, and will not, having any feelings of regret or remorse over a man that has some responsibility for my family's dysfunctional situation.

So, I will pray for him, and for all of my extended family. And, that is all I am capable of doing at this point in time.

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