Our Little Peanuts

Max Ehrmann

2011-11-12T07:50:00.001-06:00

Be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. In the nosey confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.

- Max Ehrmann

The week from...

2011-11-11T07:16:00.001-06:00

I feel like this week should be recorded as the worst week in history. I also believe it should be recorded so whenever I feel like I'm having another week from hell, I can look at this and (hopefully) think, "oh yeah. Maybe it's not so bad."

I don't know if my ancestors genes just overwhelmed me this week, or what. But, I can tell you, honestly, that I never want to have to go through a week like this again. It was just one thing after another.

Monday: Chloe woke up at 1am puking. After 1 change of all bedding, 6 changes of clothes (3 for me, 3 for her), and moving the LaZ-Boy recliner upstairs by myself at 6 and a 1/2 months pregnant, it was 3 am and I said screw it. So, we went to Walgreens to get Pedialyte, where she threw up again. I picked my Mama up, went back to Walgreens, got the damn Pedialyte, and went back to Mom's house where she puked, again. Washed her up, got her to drink some Pedialyte and she passed out around 4am. I, unfortunately, did not because I was terrified she was going to start throwing up again.

I finally start napping somewhere around 5am. She woke up at 6am ready to take on the world (I do not understand her...). So, Liz played with her for a bit while I napped til 8am on the couch. I take her back to our house so she can go back to sleep and I can start the now-never-ending loads of laundry that will take over my life for the next few days.

After she woke up, we got ready and headed back over to Mom's. And, on our way, I realize that one of my diamond earrings that my parents gave me to wear on our wedding day is gone. I have no idea when it was last safely in my ear, and I don't even know where to start looking. (Fortunately, St. Anthony was looking out for me and Liz found it on the couch I was napping on a few hours later.)

Chloe was pretty restless and insatiable all day. I didn't want to try to feed her too much, which made her angry. I didn't want her to get all riled up, which made her angry. I didn't really want to try giving her anything but Pedialyte to drink because I was afraid she would start puking again. This made her very angry. Basically, she was exhausted, so pretty much everything made her angry. It was just a rough day.... and that turned into a rough night because she started getting a really runny/stuffy nose and a cough. So, she didn't sleep well either.

Tuesday: We got up, like usual. I gave her some breakfast -- rice cereal and the like. And, after she decided she was done, we were going to go upstairs to get cleaned up and ready for the day. Well, all that would have been fine, except I tried to carry her (kicking and screaming, as usual), along with my phone and coffee cup upstairs. NEVER a good idea. I ended up dropping my phone in my coffee, which really just changed the course of my entire week. (I guess I should also mention that this is a major deal to me because Michael isn't home very much. So, my only way of communicating with him about 85% of the time is by phone... So, to not have a phone makes my life... difficult.)

I took it out, removed the battery and dried it off as quickly as I could. But, I could still see coffee seeping through the bottom of the phone. So, I stuck the phone and battery in a bag of rice. I talked to some dude online with AT&T and basically got no where with that because I didn't want to turn my phone back on to see what had been damaged. So, we got ready and went to the AT&T store because I wanted to talk to someone in person and see if there would be anything they could do. I figured I would try to play on their sympathy. So, I made sure I looked extra pregnant and had Chloe with me by myself... It didn't help. Basically, I could wait it out or file the insurance claim. Those were my options. So, I decided to wait.

Chloe was getting pretty tired by this point, but I decided that since we were already over in the mall, I wanted to look at/for diaper bags. This tacked another hour onto our little trip and by the time we left Target, she was throwing tantrums like a 2 year old (not walking where I wanted her to, screaming when I picked her up, and throwing herself on the floor when she didn't get her way). At 14 months. Fabulous.

Basically, the rest of the day went on as usual. We got some food, got a nap, and went over to Mom's to hang out for a while. Talked to Michael on Skype. So, really, it was "uneventful" after the morning's adventure. :/

Wednesday: I wake up puking. Awesome. Found out later that Liz and Teresa were puking too. So, I didn't want to go over there and have Chloe get sick again... Needless to say, we didn't leave the house all day and I tried to lay in bed as much as possible.

I did put my phone back together and figured out that everything worked except the speaker that I talk into. So, basically, I couldn't talk on the phone because no one could hear me. Great. At this point, I'm just grateful it's working at all though.

Chloe really was a trooper though. After she woke up from her morning nap, I put her in her little bouncy seat and she watched Dora for like an hour while I continued to sleep. I think she could tell something was very wrong with Mommy. She even tried to wipe my tears away with some Kleenex when I was crying because I was just so overwhelmed. :( She's such a sweet girl.

We only left the house that night because I wanted to get her asleep and thought the only way she would go to sleep was by driving. Then I got a craving for chicken noodle soup. So, I ended up picking Suzi up and running to WalMart. They have this new GF Chicken Noodle Soup. It wasn't fabulous -- homemade is always best -- but it satisfied the craving and I was actually able to keep it down. Baby boy and I were both happy about that.

Thursday: I had a pretty restless night of sleep. My nose and throat were pretty dry and ALL of my muscles were achy and sore. I woke up with a horrible cough and runny/stuffy nose. So, I downed Emergen-C and cough syrup like it was my job all day. It only mildly helped. But, at least I was able to function. We went over to Mom's, at more chicken noodle soup (homemade this time) and played. I filed the insurance claim on my phone. So, that should arrive either today or Monday.

Mama and the girls got her a little Dora chair that was supposed to be a Christmas present, but they just couldn't wait to give it to her. She LOVES it. She was sitting in it and had a blanket over her lap with some books scattered all around her. It was the most adorable thing ever. She really wants to be a big girl and do everything we do. It's both cute and sad at the same time.... I don't want her to grow up so fast.

Mama, Liz and I went to Target later in the evening to get dog food for Riley and Chloe was throwing her tantrums again. I don't know what I'm going to do with her in a month or so when I start getting humongous. I just won't be able to take her shopping, haha.

After I drop Mama and Liz off, I go drive around for a bit trying to get the little turd asleep. She was having none of it. So, we came home and I thought it'd be a good idea to get on Skype with Michael so I could tell him about the Target trip and she could say goodnight to him. Well, low and behold, sometime between Wednesday morning and Thursday night, my phone's speaker decided to start working. Awesome. I would be really excited about it except I already filed the irreversible insurance claim and tacked the phone deductible charge onto our next AT&T bill. AND, I'm not even sure that's going to be the end of it because if I have to send the phone back to the insurance company, and they look at it and it's working fine, they will probably charge me the full replacement amount on the phone. GREAT.

Friday: And, today is Friday. I'm not sure what today is going to bring. I don't even know what I should expect, honestly. The only thing keeping me going all week has been the thought that Michael will be home tonight. Chloe is going to be THRILLED.

I have to say, I am extremely grateful for Michael. He is such a good daddy. When he's here, it's pretty much all about Chloe. They go play disc, they play together with all of her toys. They walk around. He cooks with her. It just makes my heart melt every time I see them together. She looks at him with such adoration, like he is the coolest person in the entire world to her. I am just so very grateful for having him in my life as my husband, my partner, and our children's father.

Elizabeth Kubler Ros

2011-11-01T21:41:00.002-05:00

Changes, changes.

2011-11-01T09:56:00.001-05:00

So, Thrifty Man left on Sunday morning for Oklahoma to go through his first round of training with Halliburton. It was so sad because I knew Chloe could tell something wasn't right. He had been home almost every night for a week. So, she had gotten used to him being around. And then, he was gone again.

Poor girl. I wish there was a way I could explain it to her so she would understand. But, she is pretty smart! When she woke up after a short nap on Sunday night, she was really fussy. So, all three of us got on Skype and talked for about an hour. She was SO excited to see him -- she even started dancing. Thank goodness for Skype! Since then, she's been totally fine, too. Hasn't been extremely fussy, just her usual charming self :)

We went trick-or-treating at Mama's office yesterday and Chloe LOVED it. She would walk right up to people and take the candy they were offering here. Then she'd just toddle off to go get more. It was hysterical.

And, best of all, she FINALLY started really walking on her own last night while we were over at Mama's house. Up until now, she could walk on her own, and she would when she wanted to. But, most of the time she was still furniture hopping and trying to hold on to our fingers. If we tried to encourage her to walk, but she really did not want to, she would lean back up against our hands or legs, trying to get as far away from whatever it was as she possibly could. Little stinker. I can already tell we're going to have a battle of the wills when she gets a little older. She is most definitely her father's daughter -- she's as stubborn as he is!

I'm now 26 weeks pregnant with baby #2. It's hard to believe that I'll be in my third trimester in just a few weeks. It's all just happened so fast. So many things have changed in the last few months. Mama got a new job with the AG's office here (yay!!) and I am now staying home full-time with Chloe. Even though I'm sure I'll miss working, it was just too much for me to handle with Michael's schedule being so insane, not having a babysitter anymore, and being pregnant again. Plus, I'm really excited that I am able to spend these last few months with Chloe before baby #2 arrives. I think it will definitely help us in the transition after his arrival.

My current obsession... Diaper Bags.

2011-10-11T08:18:00.000-05:00

So, with another baby on the way, I decided that one of the most important things for me to buy is a new diaper bag. Silly, I know. But, since we're going to have two kiddos under 2 years -- and both still in diapers for a while -- I really wanted to save my sanity. And my back.

I began my search looking for the best diaper bag for twins. I did feel just a tad silly... but, I learned a lot. The first bag I absolutely fell in love with was Ju-Ju-Be's "Be Prepared" bag.

It measures 18.5" x 14" x 6.5", weighs 3.15 lbs empty, and costs about $180, minus shipping costs.

Then, I found Watermelon Wishes on Etsy, and I really, really loved her bags and designs. I also love the fact that you can customize any bag to suit your own needs!

I have decided that I am going to go with one of the XL Ultimate Diaper Bags. The XL Ultimate measures 20" x 10" x 7". So, it's more like a traditional diaper bag than the Ju-Ju-Be option.

I'm pretty sure I've figured out most of the bells and whistles I want with the bag. But, I'm having some trouble deciding. (All pictures below from Watermelon Wishes' etsy shop or blog. I'm simply using them to help clarify my own thoughts).

1. Closures:

Button Top Closure

Zippered Top Closure

My current diaper bag has a zipper that I barely use. But, I'm trying to decide if it's because I really won't use a zipper, or if it's because it's kind of awkwardly placed -- there is about a 2 inch drop from the top of the bag to the zipper. So, if the bag is really full -- which it normally is because I'm a chronic over-packer -- I can't zip it. Whereas the zipper is placed at the very top of these bags, so I couldn't over stuff it, unless I want things falling out.

I think the button top is really, really cute. I'm just not sure about how practical it is yet.

2. Interior Pockets:

4 Wide Elasticized

2 Wide, 1 Shallow and 2 Tall Elasticized

1 Full length Zippered and 2 Wide Elasticized

I'm not sure that either the first (4 pockets) or the third (1 full length zippered and 2 wide pockets) options will really be enough storage for two kiddos. Plus, if I want to lighted my load even more and eliminate my purse, then neither of these will really be enough when I add all my stuff in. I think I'm leaning towards option 2.

I also would like to add that I love the fact that there are sippy cup and bottle elastics in all of these options. This would be super helpful considering how much water Chloe drinks and how often I pull stuff out of her bag and it's damp.

3. Stroller Straps

Side Stroller Straps

or

Classic Stroller Straps

I really like the side stroller straps because they allow the diaper bag to be tucked neatly inside the handles of the stroller. But, you can use the classic straps with a cart as well as a stroller. Not sure if I'll really utilize this, though. Most of the time, I don't even take the entire diaper bag with me. I just bring what I need into the store.

4. Messenger Strap

Messenger Strap

Although I don't really use my messenger strap right now, I think it's because it's super bulky. Plus, with two kids, I will want a more hands-free option. And, this one is nice and sleek.

5. Chenille Backed Changing Pad

I love that you can make this in a coordinating fabric. And, this changing pad will fit under the outside straps of the diaper bag, as opposed to needing to be stuffed inside the bag or in an outside pocket, which takes up valuable space.

So, after I make all of these decisions... I have to decide on fabrics. This deserves an entirely new post because there are just SO MANY OPTIONS! Haha. I'm not sure I'll be able to figure this out by February. :)

Any input?

We are so blessed.

2011-10-05T17:23:00.000-05:00

Almost 3 years ago, we sat and posed for these pictures, our engagement pictures. We were about to embark on the journey of a lifetime and we were thrilled.

Just a few weeks ago, I was sitting on the couch in our living room with Michael, looking at a framed collage of our favorite pictures from this photo shoot. And, all of a sudden, I was just overcome with this feeling of God's mercy and His numerous blessings on us.

When these photos were taken, we had no idea what our "yes" would mean for our future together... We had no way of knowing that three years later, we would have two babies under the age of two; or that we would have bought a home that needed to be completely demoed and remodeled; or that my family would have moved down here with us; or that my Mama would finally get a good job she will enjoy...We were just excited to be there, to be on the brink of entering a new phase in our individual lives, and at the very beginning of our adventure together as a newly married couple.

When I think back to what my biggest worries and fears were at this moment in our lives, it all seems almost silly: graduating college, planning a wedding, moving 1000 miles away from the only place I'd ever called home... then I was worried about finding a job and we started looking at, and ended up buying, our home. And then time stopped when we found out we were expecting the first little peanut.

Or, it seemed to stop anyway. For the first time in a very long time, I had to come to grips with the fact that my life was not my own; that no matter how neatly we laid our plans, God stepped in and basically said, this is what's best for you. I was absolutely terrified. And thrilled. And just, emotional, really (pregnancy does that... :]). And, now that the second little peanut is on the way, I only feel overwhelmingly blessed.

When I was sitting with Michael the other day, looking at those engagement pictures, I thought of those initially terrifying moments. And, I felt so grateful. Seven years ago, my doctors had told me that I was entering menopause (at seventeen!!) and, there was a possibility I would never be able to have children. And, here we are today, with a perfectly healthy and happy baby girl, and a little baby boy on the way.

It really made me stop to think about all of the ways God has blessed us. He has healed me enough that we have been able to start our family. He has given us both good jobs so we can provide for ourselves. He has blessed us with a house that we have turned into our home. When I was rear-ended last December, we received enough between the two settlements that we were able to purchase a new car and pay off one of our student loans. He has provided for our every need, without us even realizing it sometimes. And, I know that with all of these big changes and adjustments that still lay ahead of us, I haven't been especially grateful sometimes. I'm scared and worried about almost everything.

But, here again, God gave me a glimpse of hope, something to hold on to, at Mass this past Sunday. The 2nd reading was from Phillipians 4:6-9:

"Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

Keep on doing what you have learned and received and heard and seen in me. Then the God of peace will be with you."

It just hit me like a really hard punch to the chest: Have no anxiety at all. It's such a high standard for us to try to live up to. And not an easy one for me, because by my nature I am an avid worrier. But, here it is, laid out by Paul, simple and straightforward. God does not want us to be worried -- He wants us to lay those worries at His feet and be at peace.

From now on, when Iook at those pictures, I will remember this moment as a turning point. Even though the future is uncertain right now, and we don't really know what lays in store for us down the road, I will hold on to Paul's words. I will remember that God wants to share that peace with me, if only I let Him in.

My baby!

2011-03-02T18:22:00.001-06:00

Chloe is 5 and 1/2 months old now. I feel like everyday just flies by and I have no idea where all this time has gone. She started rolling over about a month ago. And, she has now started to sit up (while still supported by a few pillows) on her own. She's getting more stable every day that passes.

She has the sweetest voice too. She loves to tell everyone her stories, and she has lots of them. :)

AND! She got her first tooth last Monday and her second tooth this Monday! She's been a little crank-butt the past few days. But, it's so exciting. I can't wait til she starts to crawl. And, then again, I feel like I really could wait.

I just want to soak up every moment and cherish it til there's nothing left. She is my heart.

Her daddy's such a great daddy too. I feel so blessed to have him as my partner through this life. He's the BEST!

Today, today is a turning point...

2011-03-02T18:21:00.000-06:00

I feel like God is really testing my patience right now. I'm not sure if I even care about passing the test; I just want to survive.

This morning, at about 7AM, my grandfather (my father's father) passed away from lung cancer. I'm not really sure how I should feel at this point in my adult life. The last time I spoke to my grandfather was in March, 2009; he kicked my mother, father, sister and I out of their house that day. That summer, I chose not to invite him, or any of my father's family to our wedding for various reasons.

And, no one has even attempted to fix things since then.

So, again, I'm not really sure what I should be feeling at this point. I'm not happy that he's gone. I am happy that it was a relatively quick death -- that it wasn't long and drug out. But, I don't feel a huge sense of loss, if that makes sense.

Does that make me a bad person? I don't know. Maybe I'll feel more some time down the road. But, right now, I guess I feel rather dead about the whole thing. And, I guess if that makes me a bad person, then I am.

I cannot, and will not, having any feelings of regret or remorse over a man that has some responsibility for my family's dysfunctional situation.

So, I will pray for him, and for all of my extended family. And, that is all I am capable of doing at this point in time.

Quote

2010-12-05T09:45:00.001-06:00

I praise loudly. I blame softly. - Catherine the Great

Returning to a new sense of normal...

2010-11-27T11:11:00.000-06:00

Chloe's now 2 and a half months old. She's growing so quickly -- everyday it seems there's another outfit that doesn't fit, or she's trying to do something she couldn't do before. She's so attentive and interactive now. Last week, my mama was able to get her belly laughing. I wished I was there for it.

I returned to work on November 3, 2010, after about 7 and a half weeks on maternity leave. I'm only working from 9am to 1pm, and it seems to be working out extremely well. My mama is able to watch her for that period of time and she loves it! Work has been going well. November was a good month to come back in. It was busy enough that we were able to get a good idea of how this schedule would work, but it wasn't overwhelming.

In other news: our living room now has a floor (and furniture, and a Christmas tree!!). We hosted Thanksgiving dinner on Thursday and it was SO nice to be able to use that room now! My wonderful husband did a very nice job! Once we get the baseboards done in there (which is definitely a few months away from now), I'll be able to truly relax and not work on the other two bedrooms or bathrooms for a while yet. We've got some finishing details to do in a few of the "finished" rooms, and in the hallway, but it feels more like a real home now. And, I love it!

I'm still kind of struggling with maintaining my priorities -- like accepting that my home is never going to be kept as clean and neat as I'd like it to be, and accepting that I cannot do everything anymore, and learning to really be present in each moment with Chloe, especially when I have to spend the day just sitting in my rocking chair when I'd rather get some project done. It's an adjustment, a huge adjustment, for me. But, when she snuggles up against me and falls asleep on my chest, that makes it all worth while.

I lead a life full of...

2010-11-17T23:16:00.000-06:00

A calamity of errors. Seriously. God must have a great sense of humor, because He sure likes to test my patience.

So, last Monday, November 8, we called the gas company to check to see if we had a leak. We did. (That's really, REALLY bad). And they shut off our gas and locked our meter. At that moment, we became homeless floating blobs that just drifted from one place to another. I felt like I finally understood nomads.

Wednesday, November 10, Thrifty Man and his trusty plumber came out to fix it. After they thought they'd fixed it, they called the gas company to come check it out. It was a no-go. There was still too much variance in the line. So, basically, that meant that we had to replace all of the gas lines in our house because the leak was too small to smell or find easily.

Friday, November 12, there was a massive, MASSIVE snow/rain storm. (On a side note, has anyone else ever seen lightening, thunder and snow?! Yeah. I hadn't either til last Friday.) It was horrible. So, instead of being able to work on our house all day, Michael was out running service calls.

Tuesday, November 16, all of our gas lines had been replaced and hooked up. It was nice and solid, there wasn't any variation in the line. Too bad the state of Texas didn't have the business insurance registered for the plumbing division. (This is really, really bad). This meant that we couldn't technically get a permit for all the work they'd already done, and we definitely couldn't get the city to come out and inspect the work. Sooo... the state of Texas held our fate in her hands for a night. (This, as it turns out, wasn't the worst thing in the world).

Wednesday, November 17, I am sitting here writing this from my own warm bed. It's a wonderful feeling to have roots, to not be nomadic, and to be a real human being instead of a floating blob.

You want to know what else is beautiful!? My living room!!! The floor will probably be finished by the end of this weekend! Horray!! I can't wait to have everyone over!

This just might be the most memorable Thanksgiving yet. :)

On September 13, 2010...

2010-10-04T15:35:00.003-05:00

Our whole world changed... Chloe Ann Herbert was born at 8:52 p.m. She weighed 8 pounds, .75 ounces and measured 20.25 inches long.

She is such a wonderful baby (which is a huge blessing!). She's 3 weeks old today, and sleeps in spurts up to 6 hours long. When she's awake, she's highly alert, like she's taking in everything about this brand new world. One of her most endearing traits is her talent for making the funniest faces. She's done this since the moment she was born.

Nesting Instinct Insanity

2010-09-05T09:02:00.000-05:00

So, I felt this burst of energy yesterday. I wasn't sure if it was just the feeling of freedom because this is Labor Day weekend, or... something more sinister.

I spent the day cleaning everything in site. I scrubbed the kitchen down to the bones and swept the entire house -- including moving all the furniture and sweeping underneath it all. Along with some help from my sisters, we cleaned out the living room by moving boxes and the poker table into storage, and the wine fridge and Riley's cage out of the room. Now, the only things left in the living room are the things relevant to putting down the new floor! YES!

Suzi and I worked a little more on the nursery. And, I was able to figure out what else we're going to need for baby girl.

It was a very good day. I felt productive, and only slightly insane -- that poker table is heavy!

AND! I wasn't the only one being productive!

Thrifty Man and my little brother got the very last of the roof project materials returned to Lowe's and the last pile of wood shingles into the dumpster!

(It gets even better!)

While my wonderful husband was at Lowe's, he decided to look at baseboards and trim for our bedroom!! So, he bought it and stained it all yesterday! I'M SO EXCITED!

Today, we'll be finishing up the last few projects in the nursery and maybe even get some of the trim up! It's going to be a great weekend :)

Oh. And, hopefully, I'll be laboring on Labor day. Really hoping baby girl gets here soon. I'm becoming extremely impatient.

:)

Silence

2010-08-23T20:54:00.002-05:00

Silence is the most powerful weapon, and the most beautiful tool, we possess. Her meaning depends solely on outside circumstances. She is a fickle, changing from tool to weapon by nothing more than a passing glance.

Morning-time thoughts

2010-08-17T08:40:00.000-05:00

I love waking up to flashes of light and claps of thunder. Morning thunderstorms are probably one of my most favorite things.

I am also grateful for my speedy recovery. Being that sick when you're only a few months pregnant is a whole lot easier than being that sick when you're 9 months pregnant.

I am on a mission to find a dresser. Two, actually. One for baby girl and one for Michael and I. Unfortunately, craigslist has very little as far as dressers go right now. So, I need to go run around to all the consignment shops to see what I can find there.

Naps are also one of the most wonderful things in the world.

2010-08-10T20:50:00.000-05:00

I am impatient.

I have an insatiable desire to have a complete, whole home; where every space is a reflection of us, my husband and I, and our family, our interests, hopes and dreams.

And, I just simply need to accept the fact that this is not possible for anytime in the near future.

:-/

New Re-Visioning for the house

2010-08-07T22:56:00.001-05:00

Since baby girl has been making me extremely uncomfortable lately, I've had a lot of time to think, and study, our kitchen/dining room area.

Part of me is thinking that I'm going to open up more of the upper kitchen cabinets, like paint the insides that red color and take off the doors.

I'm also thinking that I'm going to start using blue/turquoise as an accent. I think I have recovered sufficiently enough that I can reintroduce the color in small doses in the parts of the house that have shed their old, dated layer.

I think. We'll see how I feel about this idea tomorrow. I was online looking at curtains tonight and I think I've got a good idea of the direction I want to go with it.

I'm also re-thinking our master bedroom color selection. In order to keep my marriage intact, I think I'm just going to change the accessories, and wait a few years before I introduce the idea of repainting up there. But, again, I think I'll be introducing a blue accent color in the bedding, artwork and possibly the window treatments.

Also, I've decided that I will start collecting Fiestaware a whole lot sooner than I originally led Michael to believe. I just love the colors and the uniqueness of the pieces. BEAUTIFUL!

OH! And, fantastic news!

THE ROOF PROJECT HAS BEEN FINISHED!!!!

I'll post some pictures soon. The clean up is still in progress, but fortunately my AWESOME brother Sam is here and loves to have projects to work on. So, come Monday we'll get the dumpster emptied on Monday and moved to the back of the house so he can continue working on the back yard.

And, AND! Our bathroom project has officially begun! I'll post some of those pictures soon too.

Horray for PROGRESS!

P.S. Sorry for the completely random post. This is where my mind wanders in the middle of the night.

Thirty-Two weeks down...

2010-07-23T07:47:00.000-05:00

Only eight or so more to go. (Which equates to about 53 days now. YES!!!)

I can't wait.

I'm really over this whole pregnancy thing. I just want our baby girl to be here, in the flesh, and not inside my belly anymore. I'm ready to have my body back.

These past few weeks have been extremely busy. I've been working on her nursery, getting that all painted and preparing it for the new carpet. There's still a lot of little things that need to be worked on. I feel like this list just never ends...

I need to take some pictures of the roof project's progress this weekend. It's still pretty overwhelming.

But, excitingly enough, we have electricity in our bathroom! YES!!!! Now, we just need to get a plumber in here and the floor put down. Maybe I can do some "encouraging" this weekend since it's supposed to rain and Thrifty Man won't be able to work on the roof.

I'll post the updates after the weekend!

Remodeling with a Bun in the Oven

2010-07-06T11:24:00.000-05:00

We bought our home at the end of last November with grandiose plans to remodel it over the course of the next several years. So, I made my To-Do lists for several different time periods (3 months, 6 months, 1 year, 3 years, 5 years, 10 years...), and kept them stored away neatly in the back of my head.

Then we found out we were expecting. Surprise!

So, among all the worrying, praying, hoping and loving that has gone on since January 14th, I somehow found time to re-evaluate my to-do lists and come up with what I believed to be a very reasonable list of requests. Essentially, all I wanted was a complete master suite, kitchen, living room, and dining room.

But, getting there has proved to be very, very difficult.

So, here's a recap of what has been accomplished in the first 7 months that we've owned our home.

1. We have stripped the wallpaper from the master bedroom, the dining room, living room, part of the kitchen, and the stairwell and hallway:

We're really good at destruction. Apparently.

2. We have ripped the carpet out from the master bedroom and bathroom, stairwell, living room and dining room. And have torn down a shelving unit in the kitchen.

3. We have repainted the master bedroom and bathroom, living room, dining room, the kitchen cabinets and half of the hallway.

4. We have put down the wood floor in the master bedroom and tiled the dining room. (Yes. That leaves the master bathroom and living room floor-less, as of now).

5. I have installed new hardware on all the kitchen cabinet doors.

With an exception for our almost complete inability to totally finish the projects that we start, I would say that I'm fairly pleased with our progress. In a matter of a few short months, we've transformed this ugly house into our home by giving it the face lift it desperately needed.

Buuutttttt... old homes come with many, many surprises. So, here's the list of projects that have been added to the To-Do lists since we started renovations:

1. As of the end of January: baseboards/door trim for the master bedroom.

2. As of the end of March: fix the plumbing in master bathroom so we can have a working bath/shower. Also, repair the waste line so *hopefully* our toilet will flush better.

3. As of the end of March: fix the plumbing under the kitchen sinks so they will drain properly, and set up and install the dishwasher. (This is becoming increasingly more important with my ever-growing belly: standing there, against the counter, to do the dishes is extremely uncomfortable and painful).

4. As of the end of May: fix the electrical wiring in the master bathroom so we can actually have overhead lights. WOW! (This is actually HIGHLY essential due to the many midnight trips to the bathroom).

5. As of the end of May: fully repair the hall bathroom's door. It was broken over Memorial Day weekend, and has been fixed temporarily. But, will eventually break again. (Hopefully not when we have company over.)

6. Get an overhead light for the counter between the kitchen and dining room. It's a very dark space.

7. Paint, decorate, and furnish the nursery. (This is a BIGGIE!!!) I have not started this project at all, yet.

So, really, the only room that is COMPLETELY done at this point is the dining room.

Roof Update and a Question

2010-06-26T07:53:00.000-05:00

So, the entire second floor roof is shingled! Now, it just needs to be capped.

Oh, and the skylight needs to be sealed -- preferably before it rains again, because I'm really not excited about the puddles that accumulated on the floor a couple of nights ago when it stormed. I'm just saying...

I guess that's really all the progress that I have to report. It always sounds so much more monumental in my head than it seems to me on here. Maybe I'm just being to analytical. Who knows.

Now, for my question:

Does anyone know anything about couch and love seat slipcovers? See, my sister-in-law and I went garage sale shopping last weekend, and I bought a couch and a love seat. They came with these two slipcovers which I thought was really great... at the time.

Buuuutttttt.... they are a pain in the behind to keep in place. As soon as someone sits down on them, the elastic around the seat cushions comes off. It doesn't matter how I try to put it around the seat cushion, or how far I stuff it down in the cracks, it will come off.

Now, what I need to know is if this is just a problem with all slip covers? Or, particularly with the elastic one-piece slip covers? Would I have this problem with elastic two-piece covers?

Or is it just me? Am I the problem? Do I need to be less anal/perfectionistic? Or, do I need to just suck it up and realize that part of my time every day will now be consumed with making the slip covers right? since Lord knows, I won't be able to live with them all funky for any significant length of time.

My father-in-law just told me that they look like old people's skin. I definitely need to replace them now.

Ew.

Birth Announcements

2010-06-22T20:39:00.003-05:00

So, I'm mostly posting this so I'll be able to find it later. I was reading through another blog where she featured some great birth announcements--Vanillaink.

I would love to be able to send out birth announcements, and these are adorable! Horray!

Progress on the Roof Interruption? Possible.

2010-06-21T18:30:00.003-05:00

So, is there an end in sight? No.

Will our attic get wet tonight when these "terrible storms worthy of a severe thunderstorm warning" blow through? Yes.

Is there progress being made? I think so.

Saturday was a fairly successful day. Thrifty Man and Curtis got the neighbor-side of the house torn off, wooded and papered. AND! They even put some of the garbage dump where it belongs! In the 15 ton dumpster!

Sunday, he conned Jared and Mark into coming over to help him unload the trailer. I, of course, assumed that when you unload a trailer, said trailer would vacate the premises soon-after.

Apparently, that isn't the way it works around here though because it's still sitting in the driveway.

And, since they were already here, Thrifty Man kindly asked if they would help him clean up some of the messy things inside our house as well. Thank goodness! I was not aware that our living room would become the storage area for all sorts of roofing gear/materials during this long, drawn-out process.

So, even though the roof project is only about 48% completed, progress has been made!

A Year of Stories and Pictures

2010-06-21T14:14:00.028-05:00

So, thrifty-man and I celebrated our one year anniversary this past weekend.

I can't believe how quickly the past year has gone by. So, so much has changed since we took our vows on a Friday afternoon in June.

On that afternoon, we gathered with a large group of our

closest family and friends to celebrate the gifts God has

given us and to join ourselves in marriage.

Of course, weddings are not complete without their own goof-ups. And, ours had plenty. I can't wait to get the video! (ROSS!)

It was hot and stuffy. And, I cried, a lot. But it was a beautiful evening.

A few days later, we traversed the world and landed at the Herbert Estate, in Killarney, Ireland. And the Cliffs of Moher, among many other beautiful and enchanting destinations.

I didn't want to leave. And, I definitely want to go back someday soon.

Of course, by soon, I really mean sometime in the next 50 years since that is probably the next time we'll be able to go back. Humph.

After arriving back in the states (and getting slapped back to the not-so-green and lovely reality), we moved 1000 miles away from the only place I had ever called home to Texas. From there, things quieted down a bit. But, in November, we finally were able to buy our home!

We started moving in over Thanksgiving weekend.

And, nothing has been the same ever since! But, that is an entirely different topic, for another post, someday.

(Incidentally, Michael's birthday also happened to fall on that weekend. He will probably hold it against me -- jokingly, of course -- that I made him work like a slave on his birthday).

For Christmas time, we traveled back to Indiana to visit family.

On December 29, 2009 (with what felt like sub-zero temperatures), we decided it would be a great idea to go to an awesome Chicago Bears game!

We had fun. And Michael even made friends with a big fellow, who was kind enough to share his blanket with Michael. :)

Shortly after returning from Chicago, Michael told me that I was allowed to have either a puppy or a baby. Well...

(Our beautiful daughter on May 11, 2010 at 22 weeks)

I got both.

Since January, we have been busy fixing up our home (an enormous, never-ending project), planning for when our little one finally makes her debut in September, and living -- continuously growing closer together as God blesses us.

New roof!

2010-06-14T07:08:00.012-05:00

My loving husband decided a few weeks ago that we needed to put a new roof on our house. This year.

So, he called the insurance company because he was just sure that they would pitch in quite a bit towards having it redone. Buuuuuttttttttt..... they decided they would only pay for the replacement of the garage roof.

Good thing I have a thrifty husband! He figured out a way for us to get all the materials for a little over what the insurance company was willing to pay.

Too bad laborers weren't included in this plan.

Here's the new garage roof. It took a little more than a week for it to get to this point.

The caps still need to be put on and the trash picked up...

I hope he remembered to pick up the neighbor's yard! Yikes!

As much as my husband loves to be a one-man-show, he decided that he might need a little help. So, he conned his dad, brother, brother-in-law and coworker to forgo sleep and come over just after sun up this past Saturday morning. Most of them stayed until 10pm that night.

Here's the front of the house during the tear off. It still looks pretty much like this, except there's no one working on it....

Look at all that tough work! Here's Bradley, Ryan and Curtis on the portion of the roof over the front bedroom.

Oh! Oh! And, here's the MASSIVE TRAILER that has made it's home in my front driveway.

We are not friends.

One thing that was not planned for was the massive amounts of garbage that would accumulate on our property.

Dumpster? What dumpster? That's what a backyard patio and a driveway are for, right?

Fortunately, one of our neighbors took pity on us last night. He runs a dumpster business, and will be bringing over 2 fifteen ton dumpsters sometime this week. Horray!!

Maybe I'll actually be able to park in the driveway? Maybe?

Probably not...

Baby Girl Nursery Ideas

2010-05-25T15:48:00.003-05:00

So, this green is similar to the one I'm thinking of using.

And, I think there's a good balance between the girly versus neutral combination here. Although, with my choice in bedding, our pink and purple accents will be in the accessories.

Baby Girl Nursery Ideas

2010-05-25T15:44:00.001-05:00

I really like the idea of this nursery.

I'm leaning towards doing silver, light green and dark green stripes with our crib bedding set.

And, our furniture is going to be natural wood. But, this is still inspirational :)

Baby Girl Nursery Ideas

2010-05-25T15:41:00.001-05:00

I really just like the flower mural on the wall.

I'm not a huge periwinkle fan, but I think the subtleness of the flower makes it super cute. :)

Baby Girl Nursery Ideas

2010-05-25T15:37:00.001-05:00

I just really like this one. I really like that they took a typically masculine color and feminized it. I love the contrast in the colors -- the bright white, blue and dark brown.

It's beautiful!

Baby Girl Nursery Ideas

2010-05-25T15:36:00.001-05:00

I think this room is very whimsical. I love the rocking chair. And I think the birds and heart flowers are absolutely adorable.

Again, not really what I'm thinking of doing... but, adorable none the less. :)

Baby Girl Nurseries - Nursery Ideas - Slideshow

2010-05-25T15:35:00.001-05:00

If I was looking at doing the more classic "princess pink," this is probably what I would do.

I think it's very very cute :)

Baby Girl Nursery Ideas

2010-05-25T15:09:00.001-05:00

I really like the rug and the curtains. :)

Other than that, I'm not a big fan of the green and pink combo (in these shades).

Half Way There!

2010-04-27T11:45:00.007-05:00

Today marks my twentieth week of pregnancy... and I'm beginning to realize that the struggle has only begun...

Over the course of the next few weeks:
I will (attempt) to gain 15-20 more pounds
Experience the joy and pain of carrying around an ever growing organism in my belly (and pray that we avoid those bladder kicks as much as possible!)
Continue to run until it becomes total futile
Lose my ability to breath as our little peanut takes up more and more room
And, eventually give birth to a baby much larger than I feel is physically possible

To top that all off, we still have a good chunk of our list of to-do's on the house left:

Dining Room:
Paint
Tile the floor

Kitchen:
Texture the walls
Paint the walls and cabinets and doors and drawers
Install the dishwasher

Living Room:
Level the floor
Install new wood floor
Finish painting/edging

Nursery:
Clean up and organize
Decide on color scheme and paint
Possibly re-carpet...
Purchase some furniture -- i.e. crib, changing table, shelves, dresser, rocker...

In exactly two weeks, the hubby and I will know whether our little cantaloupe -- yes, already that big -- is a little girl or a little boy!

Edit: I've updated what's left of this list! Horray for accomplishing some things!

W.H. Auden

2010-04-10T07:37:00.004-05:00

From: "In Memory of W.B. Yeats"

...Follow, poet, follow right
To the bottom of the night,
With your unconstraining voice
Still persuade us to rejoice.

With the farming of a verse
Make a vineyard of the curse,
Sing of human unsuccess
In a rapture of distress.

In the deserts of the heart
Let the healing fountains start,
In the prison of his days
Teach the free man how to praise.

When I was first introduced to Auden, almost two years ago, I did not immediately fall in love with his work. I did not realize the vast societal norms -- set by other poets like Ezra Pound and T. S. Eliot -- he was working against and attempting to break open. I also vastly underestimated the impact he would have on my own self later on down the road.

The three-part poem above is Auden's tribute to W.B. Yeats, the Irish poet who fell into eternal sleep on January 28, 1939. Yeats masterfully combined Irish folklore with popular knowledge throughout his poetry. This, in part, is why he is still the Irish poetry giant. No one has since united the Irish people in the same way that Yeats was capable of doing. His poetry is powerful, sentimental and melancholy. And, whether you know it or not, his poetry has become the basis for many recent popular novels and movies.

Auden felt it was important to honor this poetry giant, much like Beat poet Allen Ginsberg wrote a tribute to Walt Whitman. However, Auden did not only honor Yeats, he honored the idea of the poet itself. He layed out the prescription for what he believed the poet's role should be in society.

It's a weighty thing -- hope. But this is the charge that Auden levels against all poets. If you began reading Whitman's free form poetry and continued through the post-modern age, you'd see the vast shift in temperament and the overwhelming sense that the world is falling apart around the 1910s -- right around the start of WWI. But, Auden doesn't emphasize the fragments, he looks for wholeness, for hope.

In the deserts of the heart

Let the healing fountain start,

In the prison of his days

Teach the free man how to praise.

English Country Dining Rooms from Lori Dennis : Designers' Portfolio 1143 : Home & Garden Television

2010-04-01T12:11:00.000-05:00

I just really like this dining room.

A whole lot.

The wall color, the rug, the chairs, the chest, the chandelier.

Pretty much everything but the sconces overflowing with (probably) fake flowers. And the semi-weird looking picture hanging on the wall.

Not really a fan of those accents.

But I could totally just take everything else off of this picture.

Dining Room Decor - Goodhousekeeping.com

2010-04-01T11:52:00.000-05:00

So, even though our chair railing is not nearly as high, I can see something simple like this working in our dining room.

We could take that same light trim/wall color and put it on the upper cabinets in the kitchen, and take a little darker shade of the brown and put it on the lower cabinets.

I love the simplicity of the room against the ornateness of the chandelier.

Home Decor Photos from The Nest

2010-04-01T10:26:00.000-05:00

I really like the dual cabinet colors here. (And the huge range stove with the massive hood :D).

I don't think we'd necessarily go with the black and white that they went with here.

I'm thinking more of a dark brown and cream combination.

And, I've also decided that I'm not really a fan of the stainless steel counter top. (At least, that's what I think it is). Can you imagine trying to keep that clean!? UGH.

Home Decor Photos from The Nest

2010-04-01T10:23:00.000-05:00

I'm not really a huge fan of the color on the walls. It's way too dark for our kitchen area.

But, I really like the island, and the counter tops. I also really like the handles on the cabinet doors -- very clean and simple.

And, the breakfast bar is pretty cool too. :)

Home Decor Photos from The Nest

2010-03-31T11:03:00.001-05:00

I really like the contrasting orange of the inside of the cabinets against the stark white. It's very bold. And, I really like that.

I also really like that those are glass cabinet doors. So, they can showcase the stuff like that.

I'd love to have glass cabinet doors someday.

I like the color of the counter tops, but, I don't think they're granite, or a granite composite.

And, there's a part of me that's being drawn towards the white cabinets.

Definitely not ideal for a toddler.

Home Decor Photos from The Nest

2010-03-31T10:58:00.000-05:00

I really like the look of THIS ceramic counter top. And, the general color scheme of this kitchen.

It's very... southwestern.

I really like the little bookshelf detail, and the big vase.

Really, just about all of the detail stuff. I'm in love.

Home Decor Photos from The Nest

2010-03-31T10:46:00.000-05:00

I really like the breakfast bar area, and the stools. Those stools are fabulous.

I really wish we could do something almost exactly like this in our kitchen area.

But, we'll see. We shall see. :)

Home Decor Photos from The Nest

2010-03-18T14:22:00.000-05:00

See, this would be a fantastic idea for the little home office we'll be working on someday in the future.

It could be done either upstairs, off of our master bedroom -- we'll be putting an office up there eventually -- or we could do it downstairs.

But, if we do it downstairs, we'd really have to wait until all the kiddos are grown up. More than likely, we'll be needing both bedrooms down there for bedrooms.... if I'm lucky :)

SO... I'm thinking that this would work much better in our upstairs office.

I really like the shelving units, and the curtains.

I'm not so crazy about the desk, or the funky bench in front of the desk. But, I really like the idea of this space. And, I think it would definitely be doable in our little tiny office space. Especially with our skylight.

Home Decor Photos from The Nest

2010-03-18T14:07:00.000-05:00

Oh... now THIS is a master bathroom!

I would LOVE to be able to do something like this in our bathroom someday. That would just be wonderful.

I really wouldn't want the wood floor though. I'd definitely want a stone tile.

But, other than that, I'm just in love. The cabinets, the flowers and candles, the gorgeous counter tops and the shower tile. And, the wall color. That is beautiful as well.

I will say though, that I'm not super crazy about the gold. I'd definitely still go with a silver color.

Gold's just... too... old.

Home Decor Photos from The Nest

2010-03-18T13:47:00.000-05:00

An idea for our laundry room entry area. Eventually, this will probably become the main point of entry for us into the house. So, this would be a great idea for how to spruce this area up, and make it extremely functional.

I really like the bench with the wicker baskets inside.

And, the coat rack/purse hanger/extra storage unit is a really cool idea as well. I think especially in the laundry room (which is really long, and kind of oddly shaped, I could easily pull something like this off.

We'll probably also eventually replace the cabinets that we have in there with just open shelves above the washer and dryer.

The current cabinets are much larger than is actually useful, and they're kind of falling apart. I know it probably wouldn't take much to fix them up. But, I just really don't think we'll ever need all that storage space.

And, really... if we did, I would begin to question my own personal values! Honestly! I have never, EVER been a pack rat, and I'm not about to start now!

Home Decor Photos from The Nest

2010-03-18T11:54:00.000-05:00

I think the shelves are kind of neat.

Really though, my favorite thing about this picture is the color and the vibrancy that the flowers bring, and how they're positioned next to the wooden/bronze jug and the bowl full of stones.

I like the neutral palate, and how it works to bring more attention to the details of all the accessories.

And, I'm not really sure what the thing in the corner is.

I supposed it could be some sort of lamp.

But, other than that, it looks like a massive, massive corn husk.

Eight Weeks!

2010-02-02T23:08:00.000-06:00

So, we are now eight weeks into the pregnancy! Horray!

And, the kitchen!

2010-01-18T07:05:00.000-06:00

The whole progress on the entire house has been slow (painfully slow, actually). We really won't see any MAJOR improvements until we put the flooring down -- which won't be til the end of January. Little by little, we'll end up tearing everything apart, and then slowly put it all back together.

So, here's what's been done on the kitchen so far!

Those upper shelves are no longer there (Thank God!). It really closed off the kitchen from the other spaces in the house.

Now, when you're standing at the sink or the oven or the stove, you can see into the dining room or the living room.

It's AWESOME.

I also have taken off most of the kitchen cabinet doors. I feel like it nicely breaks up the sea of teal/sea foam green mess that is our kitchen at the moment. AND. I've started sanding down the front of the lower cabinet here. It's going to take a while.....

See, you can just barely see all the sanding work I've been doing. That's going to take a really long time. I'm still trying to decide whether it's worth it or not...

BUT! The shelves are GONE! Horray!!!

Yup. Most of those doors are gone now too. This is the picture of our stovetop.

And, I think it more accurately documents the cabinet color and the countertop color.

Ew.

I can't wait to replace the countertops and the flooring in here!

At least, we now have a very nice refrigerator next to the stovetop. It looks pretty :)

Here's what it looks like above the stove.

I think that used to be a cookie sheet holder. Too bad it's mini sized now and my monster cookie sheets won't fit!

I've also taken the liberty of tearing off the baby blue wallpaper to the left of the stove... You can't really see it in this picture. But, it really is awful.

And, here's the cups cabinet, which is closest to the door.

See... It just looks better without all the cabinet doors. I've decided.

We'll put them back on when they're all done, of course. But, for right now. I'm happy with this.

Not the messy countertop though... Yuck!

Oh, and the HOUSE!

2010-01-11T22:41:00.000-06:00

So, I figure I should probably also post the before pictures of our house renovation, so when I do finally get around to posting pictures of finished rooms, and the whole entire process, it might be a little more meaningful. At least, it will remind me why all the bruises, bumps, nicks and expletives were considered necessary at the time.

This was our master bedroom when we first took a long, hard look at it.

(Note: This blue/green/teal color will show up repeatedly throughout the entire house. I think it was their favorite and they used it everywhere. Only, they shouldn't have. They really, REALLY shouldn't have.)

These are the big windows, facing East. It's really pretty in the morning/early afternoon time, when the sun is shining so brightly through them! I LOVE IT!

Here is the up-close and personal look at the bottom half of the master bedroom's wallpaper and the awful puke green color of the carpet.

It was NASTY. And SO difficult to get off!

<---- EWWWWW. IT DOESN'T EVEN MATCH!

And, here's a picture of the master bathroom. Kind of tiny. It definitely needs some tile in there. That carpet just isn't working for me. Not to mention the fact that it like, changed colors!

I like the countertops though. I think they'll be pretty with the right accents. :)

Oh, there's so much more to show. But, I want to wait til we have the flooring in to take more pictures of what will eventually be our room. See, even though I can see the changes, it's hard to value them as much via computer. SO. I'll post more later!

THD and RILEY!!!

2010-01-11T22:19:00.000-06:00

Isn't it funny that I feel like I could write a 500 page novel, but whenever I sit down to this screen, my mind goes completely blank? Oh, the stories I will one day tell!

On a completely different, and totally random note: I bought the paint for the master bathroom today! I'm hoping that I'll be able to have it painted by the end of the week. This weekend is going to be a busy one, for sure.

Michael and I have to go to The Home Depot to talk to the nice people at the "Pro" desk, and try to convince them that we're completely gutting a 3400 sq./ft. house, and it'd be really great if they could give us a massive discount on things like: flooring (wood/tile/laminate/carpet/etc...) , baseboards, molding, kitchen cabinets, paint, paint brushes/rollers/etc., wall paper remover, nail guns, dry wall, mud, sanding equipment (belts and the like).... and my list could (and will) continue to grow. Really. We're going to do most of the work ourselves, we just need the supplies. Preferably on the cheap, too.

THEN!!!!! I have to go out and buy stuff for our NEW PUPPY!!!

I think we're going to name him Riley. And, by I think, I mean, we're going to name him Riley. Michael just doesn't know about it yet!

Isn't he just adorable?!

I think I love him already. I can't wait to bring him home. So... needless to say, I will be bargain shopping for a cage, bed, toys, dog food, and all the other countless things we'll need to puppy-proof our home and make it a good and safe one for him.

Can you tell that I'm TOTALLY EXCITED?! Just look at that face....

Don't tell me that face doesn't just rip your heartstrings out...

Somehow, I think I'll be able to make it through the next few months. Somehow. :)

Christmas Cookies, Wood Burning Stove Fires, and Snow Storms

2010-01-04T14:09:00.000-06:00

I have a love-hate relationship with the Christmas season.

I love the celebrations, the family time, the wood stove fires, the games, and parties. I love celebrating Christ' birth. I love being able to be completely absorbed in the world around me, without any distractions like the internet, my phone, or the television.

I love almost everything about Christmastime, really.

Except for the weather.

Snow storms are the bane of my existence. For several reasons, not the least of which is the fact that it is COLD. It brings cold winds with it. It makes roads messy and miserable to drive on. It makes me have to wear 25 layers to the Chicago Bears game on December 28th. It deters me from showering because I don't want to have to freeze between the warm water and loading up the layers again.

I also really dislike that the bottoms of my pants soak up all the water and salt in the earth, and proceed to soak my socks and shoes, the carpet, the tile floor, and anything else they choose along with making me colder than a popsicle.

This might be my biggest pet peeve with winter weather. It creates more laundry (because I cannot re-wear my pants as often between washings), more sweeping and mopping and vacuuming. It raises our heating bills because I cannot warm up with my normal scalding hot shower and 15 layers of clothes. It makes me have to buy new pants more often too!

Well... maybe that's just my obsession.

I'll use any excuse. Really.

But, seriously. I'm not ready to face the fact that I'm a working woman, who doesn't normally get a Christmas break, and will not be getting a Spring Break or a Summer Break. This is new territory for me. I'm used to a serious change of pace in all of those times and seasons. I'm not used to the monotonous drone of the day in and day out boredom.

Ugh.

Quotes

2009-11-09T09:16:00.001-06:00

How beautiful a day is when kindness touches it.
- George Elliston

Oh what a week...

2009-10-28T09:15:00.000-05:00

So, I'm very excited to see what will happen with the Catholic-Anglican relations over the course of the next few months. I have been trying to find information on the current status of things since the announcement last week. But, I have been unsuccessful.

Everything that I'm finding portrays the whole situation in such a negative light-- i.e. the Catholics are trying to steal all the disaffected Anglicans to pump up their own numbers, or the Anglican Bishops are shocked at the decision, or no one is taking this seriously, etc. It really saddens me because I think Pope Benedict is doing a wonderful job of trying to unify God's church.

What I find so interesting is that all of the articles that I have read state that Roman Catholics (particularly cradle Catholics) are confused by the apparent contradictions in Pope Benedict's announcement -- i.e. Anglicans and Orthodox priests are allowed to marry but not Catholic priests. They are also eager to pick at the woman issue -- neither Roman Catholics nor the more conservative Anglican ranks believe in women or homosexual priests or bishops.

As a virtually cradle Catholic, I do not find these issues confusing or dismaying at all. They are matters of Biblical interpretation and Tradition. I have never felt like a second class citizen at the altar, or in a Catholic Church. I am a welcomed member of Christ's Body. Women take on all sorts of leadership roles that fulfill their call as WOMEN.

I am not a big fan of the feminist movement and the gender crisis ideals. Every human being is created in the IMAGE and LIKENESS of God. THIS is where our equality comes from. Men and women were NOT created for the same purposes! We are made differently and we cannot, no matter how hard we try, fulfill the same roles.

I think it is a beautiful thing to witness, actually, especially in marriage. That is where it becomes most apparent how beautifully and wonderfully we have been made. Together, we form a perfect complement, a vision of God Himself, and His nature. We EACH have a part to play. We are ALL important. And, I think the Roman Catholic Church does a wonderful job of acknowledging that difference, while keeping the focus on the idea that we are all MADE by God; we share in His Kingdom; and we are ALL important!

In the Catholic Church, women run all sorts of lay ministries. They can be youth ministers. They can be Eucharistic ministers. They can work in the offices. They can do SO many things. But, it is just like the Garden of Eden -- we want what God did not intend for us.

This is Biblical interpretation that is in keeping with the long-standing traditions of the Catholic Church. This is called a big T-Tradition. This will never change.

The issues of married priests is a small t-Tradition. If the need arises, it can be changed on a case by case basis. Just because it has never been done before, does not mean that the RCC cannot do it. There is no disagreement of principles here.

We have allowed this within the Orthodox Churches that have come into full communion. We allow it within other branches of the Catholic Church based on different cultures. I fully trust that if the situation with celibate priests became so desperate that the Church was dying, there would be no question but to reverse this tradition and allow all Catholic priests to marry.

Celibacy is not the reason for all of the immoral activity within the orders over the last few decades. The break down of education at the seminaries, the allowance of homosexual priests into the priesthood without careful supervision, and the overall lack of FAITH have all contributed to this problem (which, is probably vastly over-exaggerated in the media). There is no question that homosexuality and child abuse occur in a vast majority of the other Christian denominations. The problem is, none of those problems ever receive any attention. So, the Catholic Church is perceived to be the only corrupt institution among the tens of thousands of Christian denominations out there.

So much for my attempt to be optimistic.

What to do?

2009-10-27T13:41:00.001-05:00

Do I tell her everything that I really think about her? I cannot just blow it off. I cannot act like everything is fine, and normal, and that the last year or so hasn't hurt. I cannot act like her (apparent) lack of seriousness in her faith doesn't bother me.

But, do I keep silent? Is not responding the best answer? I don't feel like I can do that. I'm too angry for that.

So, how do I channel my anger to express my true feelings of disappointment and sadness?

I don't even know how she justifies sending me some dumb message about the house pictures when there is so much that hasn't been talked about, which actually needs to be talked about.

I feel like this is a botched attempt at "mending" a friendship that will never actually work.

Case of the Mondays...

2009-09-17T12:22:00.001-05:00

Today feels like a Monday. Yesterday felt like a Monday. But, Monday didn't feel like a Monday. What's going on?!

Do it.

2009-09-02T09:36:00.000-05:00

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.
- First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt

Pharisees and being saved

2009-09-01T09:33:00.001-05:00

So, this last week's Gospel from Mark, (Mk 7:1-8, 14-15, 21-23) really struck me as the key to the "Saved by Grace versus Saved by Works" debate that has gone on for almost five hundred years. It also reminded me of James' command in chapter two of his epistle that faith without works is dead.

I think that in both of these contradicting instances, a distinction is being raised that the Church has tried to follow.

Jesus reprimands the Pharisees saying:
"'Well did Isaiah prophesy about you hypocrites, as it is written: 'This people honors me with their
lips, but their hearts are far from me; In vain do they worship me, teaching as doctrines human
precepts.' You disregard God's commandment but cling to human tradition.' He went on to say, 'How
well you have set aside the commandment of God in order to uphold your tradition!" (Mk. 7: 6-9).
I firmly believe that this is the heart of Jesus' message to us Christians. He's calling us to unify ourselves -- our desires -- to be one, complete person. Here, He emphasizes the connection between our desires and words with our actions and works. God does not want any partiality; He wants everything that we have -- our bodies, minds and spirits.

As human beings, we have the ability to wear many hats depending on the people that we are surrounded with. We are this type of person with this friend, and that type of person with that friend -- we are compassionate and vicious to whomever we want to be; we are generous and selfish; we are pure and lust-filled; etc... The list can go on and on.

But, both God the Father and Christ Himself are searching for wholeness within us -- for what is good, holy, and pure. We may reap many rewards here in this life from our compassionate, generous, "good" actions. But, if they are not pure, if we have some other hidden agenda (whether we know it or not), then they are fruitless.

Similarly, St. James places his emphasis on the unification of our works with our words. He writes:
"My brothers, show no partiality as you adhere to the faith in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ.... If you
show partiality, you commit sin, and are convicted by the law as transgressors. For whoever keeps the
whole law, but falls short in one particular, has become guilty in respect to all of it.... What good is it, my
brothers, if someone says he has faith by does not have works? Can that faith save him?.... faith of itself, if
it does not have works, is dead. Indeed someone might say, 'You have faith and I have works.'
Demonstrate your faith to me without works, and I will demonstrate my faith to you from my works. Do
you want proof, you ignoramus, that faith without works is useless? See how a person is justified by
works and not by faith alone.... For just as the body without a spirit is dead, so also faith without works is
dead." (James 2: 1, 9, 13-14, 17-18, 20, 26).
St. James accurately shows that an active, lively faith demands good works in order for that faith to flourish and be known. Likewise, Christ declares that paying lip service without the proper mindset and motivation, is not pleasing to God. I think St. Francis of Assisi restates the Apostle James' notion by saying, "Preach the Gospel always, and when necessary use words." St. James is not raising the status of his works above his faith. He is saying that they MATTER. We must act like Christians to be known as Christians.

I think the point that matters the most for the Protestant/Catholic debate is the position and manner in which these fruitful works are committed. However much Protestants want to contest the Catholic position on faith and works, it is actually almost identical to the Reformation mantra. As a Catholic, I believe that I am saved by my faith alone. But, I also know that what I do matters. I cannot claim to be a Catholic and then sin openly and egregiously. Just as St. Francis de Sales wrote: "The work of purging the soul neither can nor should end except with our life itself. We must not be disturbed by our imperfections, since for us perfection consists in fighting against them." Now, if I can claim Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior and then have a sure-fire ticket into heaven -- regardless of what I do or don't do -- how is that not a great deal? Because, what we do and think and say all MATTERS.

IF you believe that you're saved by faith alone, then the obvious conclusion is that what you do in your own personal life won't effect your salvation. (I know I'm over-simplifying here...) See, I think one of the RCC's greatest strengths is Her ability to use logic as a defense against our selfishness.

Tuesday

2009-09-01T08:03:00.001-05:00

I'm not interested in today. Let's just skip it.

So...

2009-08-05T09:26:00.000-05:00

I'm just sitting here, waiting for the phone to ring. I'm currently stuck, unable to continue with my seating process because I have to wait until people start calling me back. I cannot hold their seats much longer because I have so many other people to get to. So, I'm a BIT frustrated.

Anyway, I figured I'd finally get around to updating this thing, since I haven't done it in a while. Life has been great. Texas is definitely an experience all it's own. But, I love it down here.

Work is also fulfilling, most of the time. I like that the seating process is kind of like a big puzzle. It's interesting, and it makes the day go by quickly (when people actually call me back). It also brings its share of frustrations. People tend to be extremely picky and difficult about their seats. Under any other circumstances, I'd probably be laughing about these types of people. But, I must be diplomatic and try my best to please everyone.

And the final countdown begins...

2009-05-20T23:18:00.001-05:00

Well, with (almost) less than thirty days to go, things have been pretty hectic here. I've been gathering together the last few RSVPs; contacting most of the vendors (except for those who have decided to go on a three week long vacation); scheduling appointments to solidify details; and making payments.

And, in the midst of all of that, I still can't believe that I'm officially a college graduate, much less about to get married in (less than) a month. Everything starts kicking into high gear from this point forward. But, at least this is the good kind of stress... not the pull-your-hair-out/headache-backache-body-ache kind of stress.

I think yesterday was a real turning point for me (for several different reasons and on several different levels). I feel relieved, reassured and amazed. I have a clearer vision for what I want out of life, out of my relationships, and the type of person that I want to be.

I never will be able to explain my family history. Their history is sordid and messy. But, I have decided that their weirdness and the irreparable damage that they have caused stops with me, with my generation and my brothers and sisters. It's over. My brothers and sisters and I are going to be a close-knit group -- ALL of us, ALL the time, extended family INCLUDED. We will always be welcome at each other's homes. We will spend the holidays together. We will laugh with and bear each other's burdens. We will create a lifetime of memories together. We will do more than just sit around and watch TV. We will travel the world together. We will be more than just blood.

To most of you, this sounds ridiculous that I'm even spelling these things out. Family is family, right? That's just what you do. Weeeelllllllllllllllllll...... not exactly.

My nifty little computer dictionary/thesaurus defines family as:

1. a group consisting of parents and children living together in a household.

- a group of people related to one another by blood or marriage.

- the children of a person or couple.

- a person or people related to one and so to be treated with a special loyalty or intimacy.

(Although there were more... they really weren't applicable.)

The bold and italicized statement is what my immediate, nuclear family had.

The italicized (only) statements are how my extended family has viewed us.

The bold is what I want in addition to the first statement.

I want to feel that special loyalty and intimacy to my family. I long for meaningful relationships. And, I know that we'll have it.

I feel like I'm on the verge of something brilliant...

Three things I wish I had the guts to say...

2009-05-10T00:28:00.000-05:00

1). I am stunned at your callousness. Do you understand the meaning of life-long friendship? Is that not what we pledged when we joined PBP? Did I mean anything to you, ever? What happened to my friend who took her faith seriously, that defined herself by it? What happened to the friend that did more than just drink and party? I just don't even know who you are anymore. I'm hurt and I'm disappointed.

I really hope that you're not as much of a dumb ass and a spaz as you present yourself to be right now. I hope that you actually learned something about the world and about yourself throughout college, that all of that money wasn't a complete waste. I hope you become something more than just a trophy wife. And, I hope that you find fulfillment in meaningful pursuits. And, I wish that I actually had faith that you would pursue the good, the beautiful and the true. But, at this point, I don't really know anything about you.

And, you know what? I'm not going to try anymore either. In fact, even if you did contact me now, I'm not really sure how/if I would respond. So, cheers to ruining our friendship. Drink up, hunny.

2). I will forever consider myself a student of every discipline I pursue, whether it be my Masters, being a wife, being a mother, homemaking, cooking, religion, faith, etc. I am forever learning more about the world, about other people, about God and His Creation, and about myself through my endeavors. I hope that I never become like you. I hope that I never play God while holding other peoples lives in my hands. I hope that I'm always humble.

I just wish you had retained the same attitude. I wish that, instead of ignoring BLATANT factual and relevant evidence, that you could/would continue to search until you found an explanation. I wish you could see the consequences of your carelessness and heartless "findings" on my family. I wish you were a fly on the wall.

But, even in this, I can only deal by shutting down emotionally. It hurts too much.

So, instead, I refuse to bow down to your "Almighty" position, doctors. Instead, I can only hope and pray that God does not bring even one tenth of the suffering my family has endured to you.

3). God, please help us.

A Song For Our Fathers

2009-05-06T19:23:00.000-05:00

God, just make this all stop. Please?

Or, could You just give us the answers

we so desperately need right now?

This cannot go on forever.

ESC, Biotech, Hitler and Slavery?

2009-04-07T23:40:00.001-05:00

I will always be the first to admit that I have no idea what I'm talking about, so why can't everyone just be that way? Honestly.

So, I'm in a Biotechnology class this semester. It basically sucks the joy out of my soul... but, at least I've figured out why.

I've never been a science person. When I was in high school, I took my science courses through my homeschool curriculum. Basically, I "studied" for the tests as I was taking them. So, all-in-all, my high school science education was a complete zero.

For some unknown reason, VU believes that all students need to take 2 natural science courses in order to be a "well-rounded" individual. So, I of course, take the easiest course possible... which is, biotechnology. I knew right from the beginning that I would hate it.

Over the last two weeks, we have reviewed the multiple forms of contraception, the male and female reproductive systems, cloning, embryonic stem cells vs. adult stem cells, in vitro fertilization, designer children, and the list goes on. Everything's fine... well, extremely awkward, but fine... until today. (My bio prof. is not exactly the person I want to be getting "the talk" from, if you know what I mean).

He starts in on amnioscentisis and CVS as methods for prenatal screening for genetic diseases (read: so the parents can make an informed decision on whether to abort the fetus or not). Again, fine. I realize that that is his opinion, so I can just accept it, and move on. But, I can't. He mentions that we can have this type of an analysis done on ourselves so we will know how unfavorable our gene makeup is (read: so "we" (the scientists and the government) can decide whether "I" am fit for reproductive purposes or not). I get the impression (both from the statements he's making, and what he's intimating by them) that not only does he believe this is a good thing, but that it would actually make humanity better. Through this process, humanity can weed out the "weak" members of the species, creating a better, stronger species by eliminating all the fetuses with "bad" genomes.

Hitler anyone? How about the slave traders? Slave owners? How about the current euthenasia debates going on? Or, any other type of debate where the actual humanity of a person is up for debate.

I just don't understand how people like my Bio prof. can be that complacent about life. How can they treat it as though it is something that will always be around, or will always take place. How can they not value the individuality of any one person. I don't know... it's late, and I'm tired. So... maybe I'll finish my thoughts tomorrow.

On an up note, Michael comes tomorrow. And... I can't wait.

Quotes

2009-03-29T21:21:00.000-05:00

"A sacrifice to be real must cost, must hurt, must empty ourselves. The fruit of silence is prayer, the fruit of prayer is faith, the fruit of faith is love, the fruit of love is service, the fruit of service is peace."

-Mother Teresa

"The man who insists on seeing with perfect clearness before he decides, never decides."

-Henri Frederic Amiel

Skeptics and I.D.

2009-02-21T15:24:00.000-06:00

The more I study nature, the more I stand amazed at the work of the Creator.

-Louis Pasteur

Friday, December 1, 2006, eight o'clock in the evening.

Thirteen-year-old, Kelen Degnan, has just finished playing "Julie-O," a cello solo piece composed by Mark Summer. The crowd gives him a standing ovation. His bow never once faltered while crossing the strings. Nor did his brow ever furrow, or his forehead and hands dampen. He played so purely, so perfectly, it was as though he was not seated center stage, with young adults seven or more years older than him behind him and hundreds of people before him. No, his body was present, but his soul was in another world entirely. His heart might have been racing, but his expressions and features remained calm. I'm jealous.

Soon, I will stand before the very same audience with five of my musical colleagues and a very reduced orchestra to play J. S. Bach's "Brandenburg Concerto No. 2 in F Major." My reed isn't working well. Moments before walking on stage, I bumped it into my teeth, and now the tip is mushed. Damn this vexatious, asinine instrument.

The reed no longer has a clear, sweet sound. It is a hard, airy, difficult sound. My director glances my way to cue me in for my solo. I try, but the reed is simply not cooperating. As I attempt to push my breath through the already too-small gap between the reeds, my face changes to the color of a fire truck. I'm sweating bullets. I'm sure every audience member notices and is embarrassed for me. My fingers forget the keys, forget the music entirely.

At only nineteen years old, I feel the weight of my entire musical career resting on this performance. My soul is not calm. I cannot find the silence, the quiet. Kelen Degnan had more stage presence, more musical dignity at his age, than I, a sophomore in college, have at this moment.

To present Intelligent Design is to stunt student's intellectual growth.

- Ben Stein's movie, "Expelled"

Thursday, January 8, 2009, half past six o'clock in the evening.

Professor announces the assigned seating chart. He explains that we must sit in "our" seat otherwise we will be counted absent. He never bothers to call role, so he can begin to place names with faces. This is an anti-utilitarian exercise -- it wastes time and is completely useless. According to Professor, the Sciences function much differently than any other school of thought on campus. There are assigned, short readings for each class period.

"But, no one can really understand scientific literature by merely reading it."

Meaning, class attendance is mandatory. We are required to get our tri-weekly dose of human history, beginning hundreds of thousands of years ago. My classmates and I seem to quietly assent to his indoctrination process. All we want is to fulfill the Natural Science requirement, so we can leave the institution labeled as "liberally educated."

Our first lecture begins. Professor explains the elegance and simplicity in DNA, whether it be human, plant, animal or bacteria. The organization of every cell is absolutely exquisite. Every living thing contains the same coding mechanisms (genes) for the same proteins. When broken down to the very essential parts, every life form on Earth is the same. So what is so very special about us?

Nothing, is the answer that resounds through my ears.

In the deserts of the heart,

Let the healing fountain start,

In the prison of his days,

Teach the free man how to praise.

-W. H. Auden

Tuesday, August 26, 2008, quarter til noon in the morning.

I embarked on the greatest academic adventure this morning -- partly out of necessity, partly out of ignorant interest. At times, Twentieth Century Poetry seemed to suck the life out of my heart. At other times, a newfound vigor and excitement came over me.

The arts, whether music, poetry, photography, fiction, or painting, have an incredible ability to reach into the human soul, and make one beg for mercy. There is a mixed sense of awe and horror when another person creates a piece of art. It captivates me because I did not create it. I slow down and pay attention to the very minor details.

From every artist that I admire, I have learned something about human nature. I have a greater respect for every person. I stand in awe.

I think God is about as unlikely as fairies, goblins, etc.

-Richard Dawkins

February 19, 2009, seven o'clock in the evening.

"The Bible is a good story, a good allegory... but taken literally... it is... absolutely false." Professor uttered these words in a stumbling, stuttering manner, as though he was afraid of the dire, eternal consequences he might incur upon his soul, should he happen to have cast his lot on the wrong side. He paused, waiting for one brave, fundamentalist child to speak. Surprised by our silence, he wrongly assumes he is surrounded by comrades, and speaks candidly to us, as a group of colleagues. He moves through his lecture on Homo erectus, Homo sapiens neanderthalensis, and Homo sapiens, showing us the evolution in skull sizes, nose shapes and cheekbones.

He reminds us that our very earliest ancestors, about forty thousand years ago, were not only carnivores, but cannibals. We killed off (and ate) the Neanderthal, apparently. Survival of the fittest, I guess.

There is a notion adrift everywhere that imagination, especially mystical imagination, is dangerous to man's mental balance... Imagination does not breed insanity. Exactly what does breed insanity is reason.

- G. K. Chesterton

Friday, February 20, 2009, half past seven o'clock in the evening.

Cellist, David Machavariani, adjunct professor at the institution, begins his hour and a half long concert with Richard Strauss' "Sonata in F Major Op. 6 for Cello and Piano." Under his direction, the cello produces the sweetest sound known to human ears. It is a child singing to its mother, or a lovesick young man serenading his love's midnight dark window from the candle-lit street. The long, lyrical lines of Strauss' masterpiece come alive under Professor Machavariani's graceful touch.

I am seated near the very back of the small recital hall with two squirming girls on either side. But, my soul is at rest. I sail along the very top of the tenor line, keeping pace and time with the heart-wrenching melody. There is an organization in the musical material, although not immediately apparent in its presentation. It is elegant, graceful and subtle. By our very nature, we are drawn towards organization, like Newton's theory of gravity. It is an intricate, innate and, dare I say, natural part of the the systems of our bodies.

As I drift between this world and a completely separate one, I wonder how the need for the arts developed. How did music begin? Although I no longer play, I still remember the urge, the need for it. It was insatiable.

I will go back to it one day. It's inevitable. I was created to play music, to play the oboe, as frustrating and tedious an instrument as it is. It is in my nature.

Thus, from the war of nature, from famine and death, the most exalted object which we are capable of conceiving, namely, the production of the higher animals, directly follows.

-Richard Dawkins

There is no joy in science like there is in the arts. There is only the cold, hard evidence of the laboratory, natural selection and survival of the fittest. The Almighty Scientific Standard does not value the individual over the goal, but the goal over the individual.

It's Gravity, Baby

2009-02-19T01:23:00.000-06:00

Tonight is the first night in an eternity

That I have spent without you.

With over a thousand miles between us,

I can still feel your breath as it

Leaves your peaceful chest, heavily,

As you fall into the down-filled cloud,

Your body pulsating to keep you alive.

I await the sight of your face, your touch,

Like water looks for a path, and

Ripe apples search for the ground, and

Daffodils spread petals and leaves for sun.

I can still feel your warmth as it

Rushes through the monitor

Infiltrating my body like bacteria (the good kind).

Memories of us resurface like blue-rayed visions

Whispering to me, consoling me,

For stern as death is love, relentless as the nether world is devotion.

I hear your deep laughter,

As you sing my Song, infusing your selfless Eros into my heart,

Reassuring me that This too shall pass,

And I await the day that it shall.

Everything bad that can go wrong, will go wrong.

2009-02-08T12:18:00.000-06:00

So, three weeks ago, my sister Liz ended up in the ER for a severe allergic reaction. Her throat started swelling shut and she had hive-like things all over her body. Lymphoma runs hand in hand with Celiac disease, so... this is not something that my family wants to be messing with. Needless to say, she ended up on steroids a few days later, because she'd started reacting to everything she ate... with a total of seven of those types of reactions in a week.

The next Monday, (so, the week before last) Suzannah gets her lip pierced on the right side. By Wednesday, the lymph nodes on the right side of her face and neck and under her right arm were swollen to the point that they hurt. She had a fever of over 102.5, and it kept rising. And, most importantly, she couldn't breathe. (Again, lymphoma...) After three trips to the ER, my mom being yelled at by one of the doctor on call that night, and waiting around for a total of probably about 12 hours, we finally learn that the upper half of her right lung had collapsed and she was developing bronchitis and asthma.

This week: Tuesday/Wednesday, we got slammed with a HUGE snowstorm.

Thursday, I got into a mini-car accident (I ended up in a ditch. Damn postal lady).

Friday, Amanda's dad drove himself to the ER. They think he has pancreatitis.

Saturday, Licorice attacked and killed our bird, Buddy.

Sunday, Buddy accidently went through the washer because of a miscommunication about where she actually was (aka. not inside the coffin like she should have been).

In these moments, it's so hard to believe that there is a God. But, if there is a God, then He cannot be a good God because HOW, on top of everything else that my family is faced with, can these things continue to happen. (This is the Problem of Pain, the argument C.S. Lewis attempts to address in the book. I probably should read it.)

Why does He allow layer upon layer of sadness, frustration, and deep, overwhelming grief to continue to build upon itself? Why has He given us all of these crosses to carry? Why has He allowed two years to roll on without giving our family answers? I've been wondering for a while, if my family is somehow cursed. I just wonder if some Christian Science wacko way back down on the genealogical line didn't curse every generation to follow. What other explanation for all of this is there?

Why would it take twenty years to get my diagnosis that eventually ended up saving almost everyone in my family? Why has my stubborn father refused to follow the diet that he should? Why did my parents choose to build a house on top of land that is filled with poison? Why have the doctors completely written my family off as lunatics? Why are the doctors from Chicago forging medical records; erasing incriminating evidence; STILL claiming that there is nothing wrong with my father when our ENTIRE LIVES have been turned upside down by whatever disease/deterioration has been occurring, especially over the last several years? Why are there never any answers?

I thought every doctor took the Hippocratic Oath, which states: "I will prescribe regimens for the good of my patients according to my ability and my judgment and never do harm to anyone.... In every house where I come I will enter only for the good of my patients."

Whatever happened to that? Whatever happened to being a good, upstanding, moral person? Why... How could you allow your actions to manifest such deep, heart-wrenching despair in another human being? How differently would you act if it was your child? Your spouse? Would you be above begging for help? Would you be above being infuriated? At the end of your rope? Always ready to scream with frustration and cry with an overwhelming sense of hopelessness? Would you lose faith in your profession? In people? In God?

"No trial has come to you but what is human. God is faithful and will not let you be tried beyond your strength; but with the trial he will also provide a way out, so that you may be able to bear it." - 1 Corinthians 10:13

I wish I could believe this. I wish I had faith like that. I wish that my family didn't feel as deeply as we do. I wish that we could brush off all of this suffering as though it was... nothing more than we can handle. I wish that, carrying all of this, it didn't feel as though God had abandoned us.... on top of everything else... that is just too much. Unacceptable.

My family represents the perfect storm. A mix of seemingly impossible, minute possibilities that have all come together into one, deadly concoction.

The mysteries of my faith I can accept. I know that I will never fully understand how the bread and wine are turned into the Body and Blood of Jesus Christ. Nor the story of Jesus' incarnation. I will never understand having a deep, deep relationship with God the Father. Well, at least for a long time.

But, I can accept these mysteries. I accept them on faith. I accept them because I believe they are true, whether I understand it or not. I know that I'm far less intelligent that I'd like to believe myself to be. So, I trust the explanations of those who have had far greater faith than I, and I believe.

What I cannot understand is anything that relates to this life that is illogical. Anything that shows the TRUE depravity of man. Maybe I'm still too idealistic. I'd like to believe that everyone in the world struggles against the same sins and traps that I struggle with... hell, even to know that another person out there STRUGGLES would be nice. Right now, I feel utterly alone.

I feel as though I could climb Mount Everest, and scream for as long as my lungs could hold air, and it would not penetrate the atmosphere. My utterance would fall back upon my own deafened ears, unheard by the Divine Being that holds the world in the palm of His hand....

And, as I write this, I know that in a few hours, I will be standing before the altar, communally participating in Christ's Passion and Death, uttering the words of the Nicene Creed -- I believe in God, the Father Almighty, Maker of Heaven and Earth... I believe in Jesus Christ, His only Son, Our Lord... I believe in the Holy Spirit, the holy, catholic Church... the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body, and life ever-lasting. Amen. -- without fully meaning them.

Tonight, I will be seated to listen to encouraging words from the Old and New Testaments, and I will feebly stand for the Gospel, hearing about Christ's own feelings of loss and abandonment, His life story.

Tonight, I will fulfill my Catholic duty.

Tonight, I will feel nothing.

Tonight, I will beg God for forgiveness for my lack of faith.

Tonight, I will beg for mercy and deliverance for my family.

Tonight, I will beg for things that I know will not happen overnight.

Hell, for things that may never happen. But, I will ask. I will pray, without feeling or hope that God actually will hear me... or that He even cares.

God, if you're listening, have mercy on us, oh Lord. Bring peace to our family.

A Grief Observed

2009-02-08T11:09:00.000-06:00

The more we believe that God hurts only to heal, the less we can believe that there is any use in begging for tenderness (43).

-C. S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

My family proves Murphy's Law true.

Just happened...

2009-02-03T11:39:00.001-06:00

So, I'm sitting in my room, getting ready to go take a shower, and I hear Mama in the living room start screaming. It wasn't the oh-my-gosh-I'm-dying kind of scream, but the type of scream that's mixed with deep laughter.

For the past month, we have had to push the bird cage between the family room and the back bedroom hallway. (This is a long and convoluted story. Basically, the bird has been overstimulated, and decided that she wanted to lay an egg. Well, it almost killed her. So, she has to get at least 12 hours of sleep in a dark, dark place... hence, the hallway).

Well, just now, Mama started screaming/laughing and I ran out there to find her stumbling over two of the rickety side trays that had fallen on the ground. One landed face-up; the other was... not so lucky. Needless to say, it has been a while since the cage was clean, so the bird poop that had been sitting on the side tray was ground into the carpet all before we could say Boo.

It also reminded me of Mama's shelf-jumping adventure and that one time last summer when she squashed her foot between the back porch steps and the fallen bird cage...

I love this house sometimes.

Emergency room visits and senioritis.

2009-01-31T12:21:00.001-06:00

So, in the past 36 hours I have spent about 11 in the ER. Maybe that doesn't seem like a whole lot, the percentage is too low for it to have the melodramatic impact that I think it should have. But, it's been a rough couple of days.

My sister ended up getting an infection from the nickel in her lip piercing. (Probably. We're not sure since my family has a... sordid history with any and all doctors, apparently). She's been very ill since Wednesday morning and has been to more doctors this week than she has in probably the last year.

Hopefully they get it figured out this morning. I don't know that I'm up for spending the next couple nights also in the ER. I really do not appreciate people who refuse to listen to what I, or anyone else I care about, say.

But, completely unrelated segue.

So, my last semester is underway. I feel completely unprepared for the following months because my list of things to do just never seems to stop growing. But... I'm just trying to take it one day at a time.

Breathe... just breathe....

Waiting

2009-01-23T00:02:00.001-06:00

With over a thousand miles between us,

Tonight is the first night in an eternity

That I have spent without you.

I can still feel your breath as it

Leaves your peaceful chest, heavily.

I can still feel you fall into slumber,

Your body pulsing to keep you alive.

I can still feel your warmth that reaches

To my very center, my core.

I await the sight of your face, your touch,

Like a child lingers for her mother.

Memories resurface like blue-rayed visions

Whispering to me, consoling me,

All is not lost, nothing is gone away.

I hear your deep laughter,

As you softly speak to my heart

Reassuring me that This too shall pass,

And I await the day that it shall.

Curse, Cure, Care

2009-01-18T17:52:00.000-06:00

To you, insidious syndrome, silent killer;

Ultimate liar, portrayed as colleague,

Spreader of toxins, illegitimate hybrid;

Bringer of unspeakable pain;

To you, who attacks weakness,

Breaks down pathways of defense,

Shatters cells and carcasses from the inside out;

Burn and scar life-giving tissue;

To you, father of all poisons, cancers,

Marrow-robbers, brain-fuddlers;

To you, mother of all apathy, anxiety,

Collapse, despair;

To you, my silent curse; my body,

I pledge my disobedience.

New Year's Eve Pictures

2009-01-04T12:09:00.001-06:00

Check them out, they're priceless.

So excited!

2008-12-16T20:43:00.000-06:00

Finals will be over in TWO days.

That's right.

Celebration time!

And, then it's off to Texas for a week.

Say prayers for our safe journey.

Lately, (although, I really haven't had the time)

I've been reflecting and remembering on a lot of different things lately.

I haven't had time to write about it yet.

But, there will probably be a flurry of posts after Thursday.

In inspiration and in untainted

Awe I stand here, waiting.

We're all broken people. We're all people in need of hope.

2008-12-09T19:02:00.000-06:00

I love this movement.

If you haven't heard of them, check them out.

They are doing amazing things.

And, I believe wholeheartedly in the message that they are projecting.

Te Amo Mucho, Mi Amor

2008-12-07T23:37:00.000-06:00

In the palm of your hand,

Amidst the deepening vee --

Te amo mucho, mi amor,

Spawning rivers, ever-extending

Cavernous pathways -- and the indigo

Microscopic vessels bringing life-blood

To the tips of your fingers, and me.

Te amo infinitamente.

I fit there, between the weather-beaten knobs,

And that scar just below your left ring finger's knuckle.

You hold me firmly there in your palm,

As you peel the sheets from around my shell

Laying me bare, exposed, before your eyes

Whole and beautiful; broken and flawed.

Te amo mucho, mi amor,

Te amo infinitamente.

Thanksgiving Day Morning

2008-11-30T10:20:00.000-06:00

Inside her laughter and squeals of joy

Little bugs crawl inside my skin

Covering my arms to my fingertips,

My painted toes up my legs, to my central button.

My pale, squalid shade only indicates

The vivid, flooding unconscious memories

Leading to that beating organ, keeping me alive

Barely. I laugh and squeal, without her joy

Battling these visions before my infected green-eyed

Oracles. Wondering, always wondering.

Our four-year-old selves, my lost innocence

Hers still unbroken, undamaged, whole

Still protected. Mine never defended

Initially infected, never my choice

Abscence

2008-11-11T22:00:00.000-06:00

I cannot remember. No,

I cannot help but remember

The swinging seat that creaked

Its assent; the way the sun streaked

Vapid lines across your face

Illuminating the salt drops that would not stay --

That same vacant glance, your eyes did not understand.

No. You do not understand,

but my jaded, jagged, joyful soul

longs for you to. I long for your community

in our shared sufferings, joys, and lives.

But even this, to your daughter

You will not give. No.

You cannot share.

Bread and butter only account for so much.

Laughing, crying, screaming, dying, and your touch.

I long for your touch. But, you do not move. Your vacuous

glance appeals to my core, begs for me to shut my mouth,

and act like this rejection -- your rejection

does not mean so much. You beg me to not remember.

But the way the yellow bubble illuminated the maple tree,

I cannot help but remember that placid, tranquil day

when you took the blame for abandonments

you did not impart, when you ignored my

confession of my knowledge of our shared suffering.

It is not that I cannot remember. No.

I cannot help but remember the warm wind skipping

through my hair and across my face telling me to be free,

To fly south like the finches. But I cannot be free

Bearing these crosses of acceptance, and forgiveness,

The Master Speed

2008-11-09T22:51:00.000-06:00

No speed of wind or water rushing by

But you have speed far greater. You can climb

Back up a stream of radiance to the sky,

And back through history up the stream of time.

And you were given this swiftness, not for haste,

Nor chiefly that you may go where you will,

But in the rush of everything to waste,

That you may have the power of standing still --

Off any still or moving thing you say.

Two such as you with such a master speed

Cannot be parted nor be swept away

From one another once you are agreed

That life is only life forevermore

Together wing to wing and oar to oar.

-- Robert Frost

"Set me as a seal upon your heart,

as a seal upon your arm;

for stern as death is love

relentless as the nether world is devotion.

Its flames are a blazing fire.

Many waters cannot quench love

nor floods drive it away.

Were one to offer all he owns to purchase love,

he would be roundly mocked."

-- Song of Songs 8: 6-7

Tonight:

2008-11-04T18:08:00.000-06:00

History is in the making...

I'm just glad that I voted conscientiously.

It's out of my hands, now. And

I d.o. n.o.t. care.

I just hope that we, as a nation,

have made a smart -- the best --

choice.

A love engendering...

2008-10-23T21:08:00.000-05:00

It is a beautifully,

[wonderfully]

b r o -- k e n

life.

In (brick) bubbles, we try to

Intimately i.n.t.e.r.t.w.i.n.e.

Leaving breadcrumbs that we epoh

Someday, t'geth'r, we may find

As long as my ..heart beats with

Y.O.U. this beautiful,

Wonderful, b r o -- k e n life will

be perfectly, whole and new.

Seriously?

2008-10-01T07:51:00.000-05:00

We are idiots.

"'Painful and lasting' economic downturn," Mr President? In case anyone has not informed you yet, capitalism leads to ups and downs in the economy. And, no matter how are you try, you will never be able to give absolute power to the Secretary of Treasury, thereby turning our entire financial system to a socialist one. We may be puppets in your play... but I do not think that the American people will let you take that very fundamental right away from them.

As far as their angry constituents goes, you all are idiots, also. It has been your poor financial decisions that has led to this in the first place. The economy needs to correct itself. We do not need to be adding anymore fake credit into the market place by continuing this bullshit. So, do us all a favor and forget your "golden parachutes" and any pretty bonus packages that you may or may not have set up. You don't deserve them, and we need them to help the economy anyway we can.

Idiots.

Letter from Ron Paul.

2008-09-25T16:19:00.000-05:00

I hate to continue to beat a dead horse, but I do feel that this needs to be said. I feel Ron Paul has a very good point... and I agree with him wholeheartedly. If he was running on the libertarian ticket this year, I believe he would have a significant chance of actually winning. Anyway, Dr. Ron Paul:

Dear Friends:

The financial meltdown the economists of the Austrian School predicted has arrived.

We are in this crisis because of an excess of artificially created credit at the hands of the Federal Reserve System. The solution being proposed? More artificial credit by the Federal Reserve. No liquidation of bad debt and malinvestment is to be allowed. By doing more of the same, we will only continue and intensify the distortions in our economy - all the capital misallocation, all the malinvestment - and prevent the market's attempt to re-establish rational pricing of houses and other assets.

Last night the president addressed the nation about the financial crisis. There is no point in going through his remarks line by line, since I'd only be repeating what I've been saying over and over - not just for the past several days, but for years and even decades.

Still, at least a few observations are necessary.

The president assures us that his administration "is working with Congress to address the root cause behind much of the instability in our markets." Care to take a guess at whether the Federal Reserve and its money creation spree were even mentioned?

We are told that "low interest rates" led to excessive borrowing, but we are not told how these low interest rates came about. They were a deliberate policy of the Federal Reserve. As always, artificially low interest rates distort the market. Entrepreneurs engage in malinvestments - investments that do not make sense in light of current resource availability, that occur in more temporally remote stages of the capital structure than the pattern of consumer demand can support, and that would not have been made at all if the interest rate had been permitted to tell the truth instead of being toyed with by the Fed.

Not a word about any of that, of course, because Americans might then discover how the great wise men in Washington caused this great debacle. Better to keep scapegoating the mortgage industry or "wildcat capitalism" (as if we actually have a pure free market!).

Speaking about Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, the president said: "Because these companies were chartered by Congress, many believed they were guaranteed by the federal government. This allowed them to borrow enormous sums of money, fuel the market for questionable investments, and put our financial system at risk."

Doesn't that prove the foolishness of chartering Fannie and Freddie in the first place? Doesn't that suggest that maybe, just maybe, government may have contributed to this mess? And of course, by bailing out Fannie and Freddie, hasn't the federal government shown that the "many" who "believed they were guaranteed by the federal government" were in fact correct?

Then come the scare tactics. If we don't give dictatorial powers to the Treasury Secretary "the stock market would drop even more, which would reduce the value of your retirement account. The value of your home could plummet." Left unsaid, naturally, is that with the bailout and all the money and credit that must be produced out of thin air to fund it, the value of your retirement account will drop anyway, because the value of the dollar will suffer a precipitous decline. As for home prices, they are obviously much too high, and supply and demand cannot equilibrate if government insists on propping them up.

It's the same destructive strategy that government tried during the Great Depression: prop up prices at all costs. The Depression went on for over a decade. On the other hand, when liquidation was allowed to occur in the equally devastating downturn of 1921, the economy recovered within less than a year.

The president also tells us that Senators McCain and Obama will join him at the White House today in order to figure out how to get the bipartisan bailout passed. The two senators would do their country much more good if they stayed on the campaign trail debating who the bigger celebrity is, or whatever it is that occupies their attention these days.

F.A. Hayek won the Nobel Prize for showing how central banks' manipulation of interest rates creates the boom-bust cycle with which we are sadly familiar. In 1932, in the depths of the Great Depression, he described the foolish policies being pursued in his day - and which are being proposed, just as destructively, in our own:

Instead of furthering the inevitable liquidation of the maladjustments brought about by the boom during the last three years, all conceivable means have been used to prevent that readjustment from taking place; and one of these means, which has been repeatedly tried though without success, from the earliest to the most recent stages of depression, has been this deliberate policy of credit expansion.

To combat the depression by a forced credit expansion is to attempt to cure the evil by the very means which brought it about; because we are suffering from a misdirection of production, we want to create further misdirection - a procedure that can only lead to a much more severe crisis as soon as the credit expansion comes to an end... It is probably to this experiment, together with the attempts to prevent liquidation once the crisis had come, that we owe the exceptional severity and duration of the depression.

The only thing we learn from history, I am afraid, is that we do not learn from history.

The very people who have spent the past several years assuring us that the economy is fundamentally sound, and who themselves foolishly cheered the extension of all these novel kinds of mortgages, are the ones who now claim to be the experts who will restore prosperity! Just how spectacularly wrong, how utterly without a clue, does someone have to be before his expert status is called into question?

Oh, and did you notice that the bailout is now being called a "rescue plan"? I guess "bailout" wasn't sitting too well with the American people.

The very people who with somber faces tell us of their deep concern for the spread of democracy around the world are the ones most insistent on forcing a bill through Congress that the American people overwhelmingly oppose. The very fact that some of you seem to think you're supposed to have a voice in all this actually seems to annoy them.

I continue to urge you to contact your representatives and give them a piece of your mind. I myself am doing everything I can to promote the correct point of view on the crisis. Be sure also to educate yourselves on these subjects - the Campaign for Liberty blog is an excellent place to start. Read the posts, ask questions in the comment section, and learn.

H.G. Wells once said that civilization was in a race between education and catastrophe. Let us learn the truth and spread it as far and wide as our circumstances allow. For the truth is the greatest weapon we have.

In liberty,

Ron Paul

To clarify...

2008-09-23T15:37:00.000-05:00

Okay, so, honestly... I don't really understand all the ins and outs of the American Tax System. But, I do know and recognize this (along with many other Americans): It needs a MAJOR overhaul.

John McCain's Plan: Pre-Presidential nominee McCain favored tax reform. The American Prospect notes that McCain was a "tough-talking conservative who wraps himself in the Gipper's legacy, inveighs against earmarks, calls himself a deficit hawk, and fought George Bush's 2001 and 2003 tax cuts, McCain seemed to be one of the few politicians in America actually eager to restore some sense to the tax system."

However, since his nomination, his tune has completely changed. Instead of dealing with the reform issues that need to be addressed, McCain now wants to cut the corporate tax from 35% to 25%. This will cost us "$100 billion a year, but fails to eliminate a single corporate tax break." As The American Prospect points out, "the change is very valuable for companies because a $100 deduction today is worth a lot more than $10 a year for ten years. For the same reason, it is very expensive for the Treasury -- to the tune of about $75 billion a year."

It amazes me, the lies they tell. Holtz-Eakin (McCain's top financial advisor) has said that in reality, this would not cost our country a thing. But, in a similar (smaller) proposal headed by Eakin, it was concluded that it would cost our country "$440 billion over a decade."

McCain is also an advocate of immediate investment write-offs, which is a way for businesses to shield their true profits from taxation. Ridiculous. So, while the average working man has to work almost five months to be considered "free of tax," business get to shelter different aspects of themselves from taxation at all.

For the individual, and families, McCain proposes a repeal of the AMT, which was put in place to protect against tax shielding. (Double standard, what?!) He wants to increase the dependent deduction amount, which would mainly benefit the wealthier people. He's rejected tax reforms that would aid families, such as baby bonuses, and so on.

Basically, in summary, McCain's tax plan would actually cost our country about $300 billion a year, and would not even begin to touch the major reforms that are needed.

(All quotes came from the same source, cited above. Bad form, I know. But I'm in a hurry.)

Barak Obama: wishes to raise taxes specifically aimed at the wealthy, or those who make more than $250 thousand a year. One possible argument against this is that this constitutes approximately two-thirds of the taxes reported in 2006. More than likely, this would also increase taxes on small business, which as anyone knows, are the basis for stability in a capitalistic economy.

Politico reports, in the same article above, that if Obama allows the rescheduled 2011 tax raises to occur, S corporation taxes would go from 35% to 39.6%. "The sole proprietor and partner rate would rise from 37.9 percent all the way up to a staggering 50.3 percent." How will this foster business growth? When 50% of one's profits must go to paying taxes? In my opinion, this will send us into a worse recession than the one we're already faced with.

However, Obama is also in favor of reform. The Sun-Times reports from Obama's financial advisors saying, "The Obama plan would dramatically simplify taxes by consolidating existing tax credits, eliminating the need for millions of senior citizens to file tax forms, and enabling as many as 40 million middle-class filers to do their own taxes in less than five minutes and not have to hire an accountant."

He wants to repeal the estate tax and ratify the dividends tax cuts. So, that's good. I think. But, really... I don't understand how all of this stuff works. I'm just reporting what I've read, what makes sense to me... and the way I see it.

I don't think that either candidate has it all figure out, nor have the thoroughly figured into their tax plan(s) this new recession we're entering upon. And, I don't know how each plan would play out given the new financial world we're going to be dealing with.

Besides, I almost feel as though within their own separate camps, they have rioters demonizing the other. But, honestly... can we really trust what anyone says about the whole thing? I don't think I've found an unbiased source yet in talking about this stuff. Everyone has their side, who they are willing to defend to the death. So, what good does all this do?

The main thing that I want is honesty. (Ha... politician's actually being honest. It's sad that I feel so skeptical, and cynical about the whole damn process) If we have to have a recession to set things right again, then let's do it. Let's let our capitalistic system return itself to normal, reset itself, as it were. I'd rather have that, live through that, than continue to live in the economic bubble we've enclosed around ourselves.

There needs to be some accountability, somewhere. And, I'm almost praying that the economy continues to fall... just so that there can be some justice in the system, somewhere.

Other thoughts:

This guy had an interesting take, which I think is worth thinking about also.

I thought this article in the Sun-Times was interesting. It shows by the numbers what each would do.

Asphodel, That Greeny Flower

2008-09-18T18:04:00.001-05:00

It was the love of love,

the love that swallows up all else,

a grateful love,

a love of nature, of people,

animals,

a love engendering

gentleness and goodness

that moved me

and that I saw in you.

-Selection from "Asphodel, That Greeny Flower," by William Carlos Williams

The 2008 Depression?

2008-09-18T18:04:00.000-05:00

So, Freddie Mac, Fannie May, Lehman Brothers, Merrill Lynch, A.I.G., and now Morgan Stanley. The Feds have loaned $85 billion to A.I.G. Merrill Lynch was bought out by Bank of America. Morgan Stanley is also on the verge of bankruptcy, and is looking to possible buyers such as Wachovia or the Chinese government.

Our national debt is climbing by the minute, now reaching the greater portion of $9 trillion. The Washington Post notes that stock market buyers were willing to accept interest rates for Treasury bills of only 0.2 percent, the lowest since WWII. Through the money market mutual funds, Wall Street has become akin to Vegas -- filled with millions of greedy people, willing to gamble on the short term debt of the investment banks and the global financial-service firms.

How are we going to survive this (possible) depression? I'm not a prophet predicting some far-off event... I'm just saying, all the signs are here. We've limped along for much too long without too many bumps in the road.

The global village will never work. Hearts are conceived with the seven deadly sins built in -- pride, greed, and lust being first and most important. Americans can no longer idly sit by, content only so long as we have with our television and donuts.

But, I cannot help but believe that this (possible) depression has been caused by the Iraq War. Our national debt from that alone is staggering. I have no idea how or where the Feds are coming up with the money to cover the asses of A.I.G. But, whatever way one looks at it, this ought to be part of the presidential debate.

The Republicans are crucifying Obama for wanting to raise taxes. Not that I want to agree with Obama on anything... but, I have no other idea for paying the War; whereas, McCain wants to permanently enforce the 2001 and 2003 tax cuts implemented by G. W. Bush. Granted, I'm summarizing much, taking a lot for granted. However, I want to know why neither party is willing to talk about this?

Furthermore, I'm enraged at the fact that it will be MY generation, and my children's and grand children's generations, that will carry this burden. We will be the ones paying for the sins of today.

I am alone in this world...

2008-09-09T23:44:00.000-05:00

I've realized that it has been quite a while since I last wrote. And, although I have had no new moments of epiphany, or ecstasy, regarding my writing, I do have this to say.

I am a lover of the written word. I believe that, as Sven Birkerts warns in The Gutenberg Elegies: The Fate of Reading in an Electronic Age, we are losing a large part of our culture and our heritage to all forms of New Media. The sacred act of reading has been undermined. Birkerts writes, "the world we have known, the world of our myths and references and shared assumptions, is being changed by a powerful, if often intangible, set of forces. . . . What is at issue is not diction, not syntax, but everything that diction and syntax serve. Which is to say, an entire system of beliefs, values, and cultural aspirations." I must say, that I agree with Birkerts wholeheartedly. As a society, we have lost the dedication to slow ourselves down enough "to concentrate on prose of any density." And, not only prose, but any of the Great Works.

I'm in three different English classes this semester, meaning that I have very little time to continue with my own personal reading or writing for enjoyment. My favorite class is my Twentieth Century Poetry class. In this class, I have learned that I do not pay near enough attention to the details presented by a poet. I really have to force myself to concentrate, to focus, and to decipher what is being said. I must take into account the poet, his life story, the time frame he lived in, changes he experienced, what time the actual poem was written, and what historical factors were working on it. I have also learned that I do not have a strong enough knowledge of any major mythical figures. Perhaps, if I had payed more attention in previous years, this knowledge would be part of me, living and breathing within my very bones.

Although I greatly fear that within the next thirty years hard cover and paper back books might be all but forgotten, I am very well aware of the fact that reading literature, serious literature, is an important aspect of my life that I will never forget. And, it is a tradition that I will pass on to my own children, not simply for nostalgic purposes. Reading is essential because it develops a person's very ability to reason, and think logically about any specific situation. The act of writing, and writing coherently so that another human being will be able to follow a logical train of thought, is one of the most difficult tasks to overcome. But, it is necessary.

William Butler Yeats

2008-09-09T21:34:00.000-05:00

When You Are Old

When you are old and gray and full of sleep,

And nodding by the fire, take down this book,

And slowly read, and dream of the soft look

Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;

How many loved your moments of glad grace,

And loved your beauty with love false or true;

But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,

And loved the sorrows of your changing face.

And bending down beside the glowing bars

Murmur, a little sad, From us fled Love;

He paced upon the mountains far above,

And hid his sad face amid a crowd of stars.

Late, again

2008-07-08T09:52:00.001-05:00

I have a horrible (more like awkward) habit of being late. I'm (almost) never more than three to four minutes late. It isn't that I have a lack of respect for other people's time. In fact, I think it might be more irritating to me than it is to whomever I'm meeting because it smacks in the face of my OCD tendencies.

For example, I spent an hour yesterday organizing my bumper stickers on Facebook. I spent another fifteen minutes folding and putting away my underwear. What kind of person does that? No one else will ever notice that my bumper stickers are now in an order that makes sense. Just like no one else will ever look into my underwear drawer and be impressed by my neatly folded piles of underwear. But, it makes me feel better knowing that those things are in order.

Because I'm always running late, some might classify my driving as "impatient." Really, I feel this word does a great disservice to my driving style. Road rage doesn't even begin to describe it properly, and it has only gotten worse over the past four years. I thank God every day that I do not own a gun, for, I might not have to worry so much about traffic, and more about not dropping the soap.

I honestly believe that my right foot should be checked for both lead and a special type of magnet that attracts old people. It never fails that on the days that I leave on time, I will get stuck behind some tan Grand Victoria, with a driver that can barely see over the steering wheel. It is my opinion that these people should really be in nursing homes on oxygen tanks rather than out on the road because they always have their mouths hanging open so wide you could fit a fist through them. I fear that if I had the opportunity, I might just take it.

Construction is not my friend either. Everywhere I go, those orange triangular cones seem to laugh in my face, saying "Sorry sucker! Better luck next time!" The construction workers do not really like me either. Sometimes, if I'm in a big enough hurry, even their road closed signs go unnoticed. I cannot count on my fingers and toes the number of times I've been yelled at by them. Of course, I'm in too much of a hurry to really notice, so I just go on my merry way.

Stoplights are even worse. I purposely avoid any and all roads that have more than two stoplights on them. Any more than two, and I will hit every single one of them. My father's curse seems to have been passed down to me. Stop signs are much easier to deal with. I can pull the famous semi-stop, where I look around to see if anyone else is also approaching. If not, I'm home free as I press the pedal to the floor. But, if another car happens to ruin my momentum, I believe that it is quite appropriate to give them a big thumbs up as I pass by.

But, I've always wondered if I should call and alert whomever I'm meeting that I will be less than five minutes late? Will they notice? If they wouldn't normally have noticed, will my phone call bring attention to the fact that I'm late, making whomever forever hold it against me? I absolutely fear rejection, and guilt trips. So, what should I do? I must say, most of the time, I prefer not calling, and hoping and praying the entire time that I do not see a cop, and that the person that I am meeting does not notice. But, in the end, I still know that I'm late, and my OCD doesn't like that.

I dream (August 2004)

2008-07-07T10:40:00.000-05:00

I have many dreams of what life will be like when we become one. I dream of spending late nights fixing up our space in the sky, painting, cleaning, and making it our own. I dream about falling asleep in your arms, while we listen to the rain, falling ever so lightly on our roof. I dream about going camping in the mountains, and road trips to nowhere in particular. I dream about midnight walks, and all-night movie marathons, and calling off work just to spend the day with you. I dream about kissing you in the rain, while watching the sunrise at the beach. I dream about you, and what our love will be like. I dream.

Remembrances -- dos

2008-07-06T19:22:00.000-05:00

From where I sit, next to my little campfire, I can hear five different stages, featuring all different types of music. I listen attentively, making out lyrics and phrases as the sound waves carry them to my ears.

There are so many people here, and I am in a state of amazement. All come from different walks of life. Some are irreligious, coming simply for the hot, sweaty weather, the camping and the campfires, and of course the music. Others are zealously devoted, bearing shirts and attitudes that scream, "I'm the Christian the devil warned you about."

But, whichever persona you choose to take on, God is abundantly present here. There are moments that simply take your breath away. You feel His Presence in every person that you meet. You can feel Him moving in the wind, and the waves, and the clouds of dust. It gives me goosebumps just thinking about it.

It seems that, however slowly, He has been calling me back into His arms, His heart, for some time now. Everything I have experienced here so far affirms this, sets this idea more concretely upon my heart as the only course of action I could follow. I know that I will not be perfect. But, as St. Thomas de Sales so truly put it, "We must not be disturbed by our imperfections, since for us perfection consists in fighting against them."

My Song

2008-07-06T19:15:00.000-05:00

My song is not made up of verses and choruses. It is a collage, filled with disconnected and disjointed words and phrases which mean nothing together, nothing apart, but everything to me. It is the background to my life, the fairytale that I tell myself daily to remind my heart of the most important things, the beautiful things, and the TRUE things.

But, there are days when I can't remember the tune, or a single note throughout the whole song. And there are days when the words don't come easily to me. It is as though I've lost the secret code that unlocks my heart, my song.

Sometimes, merely a sunset, or a bouquet of flowers, a concerto, or an inspiring book, will unlock it. But, other times -- most times -- it is being in your presence as you sing my song back to me, showing me the way back to my heart.

Remembrances from Cornerstone '08

2008-07-06T19:07:00.000-05:00

It's five am, and I've been driving since midnight. The big red apple in the sky began blushing over an hour ago, and I wish you were here to see it with me. It has been six months since I last saw this side of morning, and a year since I've been surrounded by these cornfields. I cannot bring myself to fall asleep. I'm mesmerized by this picture. Long, wispy clouds are spread throughout the sky, acting as dividers between the different colors on God's great palate. I stop myself with the realization that this exact picture will only happen once, and I'm a witness to it.

Reflections...

2008-06-23T02:18:00.000-05:00

All reality is iconoclastic. The earthly beloved, even in this life, incessantly triumphs over your mere idea of her. And you want her to; you want her with all her resistances, all her faults, all her unexpectedness. That is, in her foursquare and independent reality.
- C. S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

To me, this is the quintessential element of love. We live in a world ruled by fragmentation and chaos, and we are created to seek out coherence and unity. But being nothing but fragmented beings, we can only present ourselves as we are, with all of our resistances, faults and unexpectedness.

The only time we will experience coherence and unity – when we will feel fulfilled – is when we experience for the first time, the unconditional love of another, our other. For most, this is the closest we will come to understanding our Bride Groom’s unconditional love for us. Isn’t this the whole purpose of this life? This valley of tears? Are we not called to know, love and serve Him in this world?

I love this short book by Lewis because, suddenly, he almost becomes human. He is not some super intellectual who has never had a normal human experience. He writes about his grief and suffering. And, probably most importantly, he questions God’s goodness.

You never know how much you really believe anything until its truth or falsehood becomes a matter of life and death to you.
- C. S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

And that, my friends, is my prayer, my life. Over the past year, my whole foundation for faith has been shaken, if not completely shattered. God’s goodness has become a matter of life and death to me. I believe in my head that He is good, that He never will make me bear a larger load than I can handle, but it seems Experience always teaches otherwise.

I believe that my only hope now is to discover this unconditional love… to touch it, to taste it, to breathe it, to see it, to hear it. This unconditional love, His ever-abiding love for me, is the only thing that will bring my soul back to life. I need to know that even with my resistances, faults and unexpectedness, I will be accepted. But more than accepted. I need to know I will be loved.

But there is something else, something even more profound that speaks to me from these passages from Lewis. It is not only that we can be loved in this way, but that we, ourselves, can love, not perfectly, but in a fashion similar to Christ’s love for His Church. We have been made for this, called to this.

Once Upon A Time

2008-06-05T02:14:00.001-05:00

There was a time when
I had a dream worth living.
Believing that he loved me,
His presence still convincing.

But it came to pass,
That he was only a silhouette --
A nonexistent influence
Merely a shadow presence.

Snow

2008-06-05T02:12:00.000-05:00

Under thick white covers
Concealed and forgotten,
Like two young lovers
You promise me protection.

Falling slowly, revealing only
The perception of perfect purity
Renewing the life concealed inside
That is living a seasonal dream.

Fire

2008-06-05T02:08:00.000-05:00

We watch the scene from bird's eye posts
With the smell of wood-smoke in our noses
And the guitars playing in the background
And the congregation's gath'ring round

We run, and scream, and laugh, and sing
And make our memories within this ring
For in the morning there'll be nothing left
Of this destructive harmony of death

Dreaming Next To You

2008-06-05T02:05:00.000-05:00

Turn off the lights and close your eyes
So you can feel my heartbeat rise.
Lie next to me and pull me in
I want to feel our connection.

We drift between two unknown worlds
And together they become unfurled.
Rising and falling, we move together
Sensing only the presence of the other.

And, my silence is full of the only words I can speak
I'm not very good with words, you see.
So say forever you'll be true to me
And I'll do my best to learn to breathe.