May 9, 2015

Poop in a Bag in the Fridge (True Story)

Last week, I got a chocolate craving. Bad. We only had chocolate chip cookies and dark chocolate frosting in the house. So, at 9:58 p.m., I'm standing in the kitchen making chocolate frosted cookies.

After eating my delicious chocolate goodness, I got tired. So I put the frosting in a bag to make it easier to frost the rest of the cookies the next day.

Well, that didn't happen. So, that bag of frosting sat in the fridge for a couple days.

I don't know how the kids didn't notice it sitting there for so long, considering they stand in front of the fridge with the door open scrounging for food all. the. time. But, anyway... they found it a few days later.

Now, that day was one of those days where I had said "No" more often than I care to remember and the kids had tuned me out hours earlier. So, when they found the frosting just before dinner, the last thing I wanted was to have them  relentlessly bugging me about it.

"What's this, Mom?" Chloe asks with the bag in her hand, standing in front of the fridge.

I don't know what to say, so I blurt out, "It's poop."

Chloe and Logan both give me a look of absolute confusion. I'm a little astonished at my own answer, quite honestly. I have no idea where it came from.

Logan tries to clarify, "What's in the bag?"

And, thinking to myself, well, what did I just do?  I guess I should follow through. So I said, "It's poop! Leave it alone."

Chloe set the bag down on the counter and looked at me like she was trying to figure me out. Then, she got curious. "Who pooped in a bag?! Tell me! Tell me who pooped in a bag!"

I'm now in hysterics.

Chloe continues on with her questioning, as though this is a perfectly normal conversation. "Why did someone poop in a bag?"

I can tell Logan is still processing. He just keeps piggybacking Chloe's questions, "Yeah Mom! Tell us!"

I'm a terrible liar. I just kept laughing, which only seemed to confuse them more.  I can't believe I've gotten myself into this mess! Fortunately,  dinner was basically ready.  So I distracted them with that, and hoped that they would completely forget what just went down.

Michael was not privy to this... mishap of mine. He wasn't home when it all went down and I tried to forget about it as quickly as I could. But, my kids forget NOTHING.

So, after dinner, Michael gives them their cookies and starts getting our dessert ready. I'm doing the dishes. All of a sudden, I hear Chloe start yelling, "No Daddy! That's poop!!" as Michael begins frosting our cookies.

I about die, and probably turned 20 shades of red,  because when I turned around, I see Michael licking an entire spoonful of the frosting, and Chloe and Logan looking at him in utter horror. And, in that moment, I quickly realized that I have to confess because otherwise I will very likely encounter my children eating their poop, or at the very least, find a real bag of poop in the fridge at some point in the future. 

So, while still laughing uncontrollably, I manage to say, "Guys, I was just kidding with you. It's not poop. It's actually frosting."

Chloe gives me another look of utter confusion. She really doesn't know what to make of me at this moment. "It's not poop?" she asks.

"No, Chloe. It's frosting."

"Can I smell it?" Why, yes. Yes, you can dear. So, she timidly sniffs the chocolaty fluff.

"Can I taste it?" Sure! And she dips her finger in it.

Then Logan wants to get in on the action. He sniffs and tastes, and then asks, "Why didn't you tell us it was frosting?" Hmmm.... good question, kid. I have no idea! But, I tell them, "Because I didn't want you guys bugging me about it right before dinner."

We then go over the fact that it is FROSTING and NOT poop about 15 more times, just to make sure they understand. I'm still not really convinced that they get it. And I have a bad feeling that, one day, I will discover a nightmare of my own making.

Moral of the story, don't lie to your kids. Especially about frosting.